If you’re like most Americans, the majority of your leisure time is spent watching television. Those moving images and cool sounds are hypnotic! But relaxing in front of the boob tube can be relationship poison if you don’t do it right. Here are seven couch-friendly snuggle positions that will boost intimacy and togetherness during TV time, a Kama Sutra of Binge-Watching.
The Standard Side-By-SideTim Lillis
This is the "missionary position" of TV-viewing postures, and guys, you really aren’t doing it right unless you have your arm around her, so you can put on the moves (you sly rascal!). For a progressive role-reversal, she can put her arm around you. That’s kinda nice, too, because it makes you feel small and protected by her warm, all-encompassing femininity.
The Snuggle-Pack 5000Tim Lillis
The Snuggle-Pack 5000 requires the snuggler to play the role of an advanced snuggle-droid that's been sent from the future to cuddle the snugglee to bits. By wrapping one leg and arm around your partner, you secure yourself as a protective, yet irresistibly vulnerable human knapsack. For proper execution, displace the backrest cushion, and say, "Snuggle-Pack: Engage," in a lovable, monotone robot voice.
The Kingda KouchTim Lillis
This is an advanced maneuver, inspired by Kingda Ka, or really any thrill-ride that has a hydraulic launch. Buckle-up by placing a throw pillow in your partner’s crotchal region, hooking their legs over your shoulders like a security harness, and settling in with your upper back against the pillow. Sure, it may look like one of you is giving birth to a fully-developed adult-baby, but the infantile comfort afforded by this position will make you feel reborn.
The Foot TenderizerTim Lillis
The Foot Tenderizer is perfect for those of us who like to dabble in the art of massage. Simply sit upright in a standard couch posture while your partner sits lengthwise with his or her feet on your thighs. Now those feet are accessible and your hands can work their magic. As an added bonus, this position proves you don’t care that his or her feet smell like pickled lemons.
The Thigh PillowTim Lillis
There's something visceral and intimate about putting your skull and brain very close to a partner's femur and juicy thigh meat. While administering The Thigh Pillow, use your hand to cup his or her knee and drive 'em wild with flirtatious whisperings during the commercial breaks, such as, "You have an exquisite patella," or, "Your quads are so robust; I’ll bet you can scamper like a she-goat."
The Cat BallTim Lillis
This position is very effective if you are a tall, lanky man, because you can astonish her with the ability to curl into a precious little ball, melting her heart to goop. For added impact, start mewling helplessly, like a blind kitten. She'll have no choice but to pet you affectionately.
The PretzelTim Lillis
The flawless interconnection of your legs proves that you two bake the perfect biscuits. Like a pretzel, your entwined bodies are warm, soft and maybe even a little salty. This position promotes lower leg comfort, encourages playful toe rubbing and can double as a skydiving position when you hit your midlife crisis. So keep practicing!