We have the PRIVATE INVESTIGATION FIRMS ON TOP OF @kanyewest STOLEN LAPTOP!!!!!— Malik Yusef (@malikyusef) March 11, 2015
Def Jam later confirmed with the New York Times that the computer was not stolen, but imagine it was true, that could be bad for 'Ye, because who knows what on there (new music, perhaps?). But honestly, this would really suck no matter who you are. Losing stuff is never fun, especially something like a computer.
So, if you happen to be the one to find the computer (we're assuming you didn't steal it, but maybe the thief left it behind somewhere), here's how you need to handle yourself.
Try To Return ItGetty Images
Kanye is not happy. There are plenty of benefits to doing this. There's karma, of course, if you believe in that sort of thing. You'll get to meet Kanye -- or at least someone close to him. You might even get some kind of reward -- Yeezy Boosts, money, concert tickets, a selfie with 'Ye and Kim, who knows? In lieu of that choice, or prior to it...
Open It, And Start Guessing PasswordsGetty Images
In all likelihood, the comp is password protected. So now it's time to crack it. Some possibilities: Donda, ILoveYouKim, Yeezus, God, IAmAGod, IAmGod, GodIsMe, HeIsIAndIAmHimGodThatIs, FatherSonAndHolyYeezus, 123456789. One of those should work.
Take Note Of The Background
All black? A picture of Kanye? Kanye and Kim? Just Kim? Just North? The three of them? A quokka? Jay Z? Medieval art? This information will be good for when you tell friends that story of the time you found Kanye West's lost computer.
Go Straight To iTunes
Kanye must be keeping some unreleased jams in his iTunes, right? Now that you've crack the code and can click around a bit, it's time to go straight for the music. Ideally, there will be a folder with his unreleased material -- new and old -- and at this point, you should raid that. Don't leak anything, just enjoy for yourself. Maybe throw 'em on your phone real quick. Also, take a scan of who else is in his iTunes. Insert played out Beck joke here.
Find A Video Of North
Babies are cute. Videos of babies are cute. North is a baby. A video of her would be cute. There's gotta be some homemade gems of North doing baby things like throwing up on Kanye and biting Kim's finger, which will surely bring some light to your day.
Figure Out His Preferred Internet Browser, Open It, And Take Note Of His Bookmarks
What sites does Yeezy frequent?
Go On Twitter And Follow Yourself From His Account
You will officially become the second person he's following.
Hit Amazon And Check Out His WishlistGetty Images
A huge bag of almonds? A children's book for Nori? A three-pack of white tees? Also, does he have Amazon Prime?
On To NetflixGetty Images
What's on the recently watched list? Gotta be "Friends" right? Maybe "House of Cards"? What about "Scandal"? "Jiro Dreams of Sushi"? How 'bout Hov's "Streets Is Watching"? This would be some revealing insight into the taste of the tastemaker.
Take Some Selfies In Photo BoothGetty Images
Gotta leave your mark.
Seriously, Though, Return The ThingGetty Images
Yeezy thanks you.