At first Mario jumped through hoops (and over deadly pits) to impress you, but lately you seem to be the least of his priorities. He's off in his own world -- his own galaxy, even -- and you're reconsidering whether you two have a future together here in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Sorry, princess, but if you recognize these relationship warning signs, then he's just another 8-bit chump, not the Italian stallion you'd hoped for. You're a peach, so stop letting him treat you like his toadstool.
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He’s been so distant -- it's like you're not even living under the same roof.
Nintendo -
Every voicemail he leaves is the exact same: “It’s-a me, Mario.”
Yeah, duh, Mario, you're the only person who still leaves voicemails. So predictable.
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He doesn’t have time for you, but he always makes time for collecting more coins ... and drag-racing with his friends.
Nintendo -
You’re open-minded in bed, but it kinda creeps you out when he's all, "Let's play doctor."
Nintendo -
Also, you're convinced that he's got a hardcore furry fetish.
Nintendo -
Every Valentine's Day, he only gives you one flower, not a dozen.
Nintendo...and the cheap bastard doesn't even buy candles because "I can shoot fireballs now."
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You keep telling him that beards are way hotter than mustaches ... but he'll NEVER change his dated '80s look.
Nintendo -
"I don't need to use a condom, baby -- I have an invincibility star."
Nintendo -
He stomps all over everyone ... you most of all.
Nintendo -
He calls you his "ball and chain," but you're the one who feels like a prisoner.
Nintendo -
He's only taken you to the movies ONCE, and things got weird.
Nintendo/Buena Vista Pictures -
"Let's get this straight: He's my pet, not 'our' pet, OK?"
Did Mario make it clear that he'd keep custody of Yoshi if you two ever split? Then he's already got one Kuribo's Shoe out the door.
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"If you want a goddamn golden ring so bad, maybe you should date Sonic instead."
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Let's face it, girl: he has no idea what he's doing with your plumbing.
...but you still doubt it was a "total accident" that time he warped in through the back pipe.
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He's always trying to save his "damsel in distress" from every jerk in the world. It’s 2015 ... you can fight your own battles!
Nintendo -
Your friends can't understand why you’re with “the old, stocky one" when his younger brother is available.
Nintendo -
You walked in on this, and Mario's only explanation was, "What?! That's just how dudes say 'hello' in Hyrule..."
HBO
