17 Signs You’re Dating Mario (And It's Not Going Super)

He's a toad, not a prince.

At first Mario jumped through hoops (and over deadly pits) to impress you, but lately you seem to be the least of his priorities. He's off in his own world -- his own galaxy, even -- and you're reconsidering whether you two have a future together here in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Sorry, princess, but if you recognize these relationship warning signs, then he's just another 8-bit chump, not the Italian stallion you'd hoped for. You're a peach, so stop letting him treat you like his toadstool.

  1. He’s been so distant -- it's like you're not even living under the same roof.
  2. Every voicemail he leaves is the exact same: “It’s-a me, Mario.”

    Yeah, duh, Mario, you're the only person who still leaves voicemails. So predictable.

  3. He doesn’t have time for you, but he always makes time for collecting more coins ... and drag-racing with his friends.
  4. You’re open-minded in bed, but it kinda creeps you out when he's all, "Let's play doctor."
  5. Also, you're convinced that he's got a hardcore furry fetish.
  6. Every Valentine's Day, he only gives you one flower, not a dozen.

    ...and the cheap bastard doesn't even buy candles because "I can shoot fireballs now."

  7. You keep telling him that beards are way hotter than mustaches ... but he'll NEVER change his dated '80s look.
  8. "I don't need to use a condom, baby -- I have an invincibility star."
  9. He stomps all over everyone ... you most of all.
  10. He calls you his "ball and chain," but you're the one who feels like a prisoner.
  11. He's only taken you to the movies ONCE, and things got weird.
    Nintendo/Buena Vista Pictures
  12. "Let's get this straight: He's my pet, not 'our' pet, OK?"

    Did Mario make it clear that he'd keep custody of Yoshi if you two ever split? Then he's already got one Kuribo's Shoe out the door.

  13. "If you want a goddamn golden ring so bad, maybe you should date Sonic instead."
  14. Let's face it, girl: he has no idea what he's doing with your plumbing.

    ...but you still doubt it was a "total accident" that time he warped in through the back pipe.

  15. He's always trying to save his "damsel in distress" from every jerk in the world. It’s 2015 ... you can fight your own battles!
  16. Your friends can't understand why you’re with “the old, stocky one" when his younger brother is available.
  17. You walked in on this, and Mario's only explanation was, "What?! That's just how dudes say 'hello' in Hyrule..."

VMAs 2018