Kissing. It’s supposed to be steamy, sexy and the only mouth-related activity that’s more fun than eating pizza. Certain kisses, however, can be so cringe-worthy and horrifying that you’d swear you can hear the walls blushing when you pull apart. The unfortunate reality is that there are times in life when an awkward smooch is going to plant its moist self all over you, whether you like it or not. Here are eight times when you may as well get cozy with this bummer of a reality.
When you’re greeting someone European
In the Netherlands, it’s three kisses. Spain does two. Belgium is one. What this equals is a lot of head bobbing back and forth, and the inevitable “clash” when you mess up and go in for too many or too few kisses. Why can’t we all just fist bump like civilized people?
When you’re both trying too hard to be polite after a bad date
The conversation was forced. The chemistry is non-existent. Now, here you both are, uncomfortably shuffling and unconvincingly claiming that you had a great time. Eventually, the discomfort will become so severe that one of you will lean in for a peck, just so there’s an excuse for all this silence.
When you’re standing next to another single person at midnight on New Years Eve
The only thing more awkward than pretending to know the lyrics to "Auld Lang Syne" is the obligatory kiss that happens when two single people accidentally stand within eye shot as the ball drops. Ugh. Thank god this expression of love and hopefulness only happens once a year.
When parting ways after a one night stand
Technically, you guys have established that kissing is on the table, but it felt so much more natural last night, when booze and dark lighting was involved. What is the best way to say goodbye to someone when you know where their birthmark is, but are unclear on their first name? Apparently, with a nice, tentative morning-breath wet one.
When you have to do a love scene in drama class
There are only so many times you can fake it through the stage direction that says, “he kisses her,” before he (you) actually have to kiss her. Try to forget that she has a boyfriend. Try to remember to choose a better elective next semester.
When you’re hugging someone as tall as you
In life, we have control over many things, but which way we go on a hug is not one of them. Shorties take the bottom. Tallies take the top. When hugging someone who is your height though, a total breakdown in hug communication occurs. Who’s going high? Who’s going low? Why is there someone’s face there? Better move it. S--t. They thought the same thing. And there. It. Is. An accidental hug kiss. Time to change zip codes or something.
When you encounter a mouth kiss greeter
There are those walking among us who believe that kissing on the mouth is an acceptable way of greeting an acquaintance. They are wrong. We are the ones who suffer. Until society as a whole finds a way to stop these monsters, us normies will have to suffer in silence.
When greeting your friend’s overly enthusiastic dog
Dude. Just because you said Rex was cute doesn’t mean you’re ready for full on mouth to mouth right off the bat. Maybe instead of standing there and exclaiming, “He’s giving you kisses!” your buddy should tell his mutt to at least buy you dinner first.