On Thursday night (February 26), the United States of Amerikur will finally find out if the Annalise Keating's (Viola Davis) ragtag band of law-lovin' misfits get away with the murder of her husband Sam, on "How To Get Away With Murder." It's bound to be completely awesome -- the freshman drama has been an easy highlight throughout the season -- but it's also sure to come with some of the signature twists and turns that have come to define it, as well as every other show on ShondaLand.
But regardless of what happens to Wes (Gryffindor alum Alfred Enoch), Michaela (Aja Naomi King), Laurel (Karla Souza), my boyfriend Connor (Jack Falahee), and I guess Asher (Matt McGorry), who has nothing to do with anything, we can all agree that we've learned a very valuable lesson from this show -- how to get away with murder! So even if they don't get away with it, here's what we've learned about committing the most atrocious offense there is, courtesy of ABC.
Play nice, kids!
DON'T do drugs.
All health-related drug issues aside, know that if you've ever touched or sold a drug, you will be an easy person to discredit and are therefore at risk. Steer clear.
DO check your accessories.
When you're hiding a body (more on that in a second), you'll likely focus on the task at hand instead of the bracelets, rings, or necklaces you are wearing. Those easily get lost when you're carrying a huge load through the woods at night, so you'll want to avoid them at all costs.
DON'T forget about your Fifth Amendment rights.
Cops asking questions? Answer as concisely as possible, if at all. Rambling on will only make things worse, and everything you say will be used against you, probably by Annalise, in court.
DO befriend a hacker.
He or she will have access to everything that could possibly be used against you, as well as things you could use to use against your enemies.
DON'T forget to grab dirt on literally everybody.
I cannot stress this enough -- nearly all of Annalise's cases have ended in a witness being discredited. This is seemingly very easy to do with the right people working for you. So, if you hear that your witness might be a jerk, prove it! Case closed.
DO use your students for ideas, if you're a professor.
Literally, why else would you go into teaching? Annalise told her students day one that they'd only be focusing on her current cases, and she's even managed to use some of their ideas (mainly, the Keating Five) to win! Who cares that it's not exactly legal, -- go with what works.
DON'T forget about Mens Rea.
Whether you're arguing that someone was in a certain mental state when they committed a crime or using that excuse for yourself, Mens Rea is almost always a great last resort.
DO fully burn dat body.
This is literally the most important one of all, and it basically proves that Keating's gang should have been attending their other classes since, you know, they didn't get it right.
DON'T tell anyone anything, ever.
The reason I have full faith that Frank will get away with his part in everything is because Frank is the absolute best at keeping his damn mouth shut. Everyone else has been running their mouths in one way or another, and according to Annalise herself, honesty is never the best policy when it comes to getting away with murder.
DO use social media to your advantage.
Have a juror you think is biased? Chances are, he's on Grindr. Or Tinder. Or Hinge. So just bang him, already, it'll totally get him dismissed and another, more level-headed juror will take his place.
DON'T underestimate the power of irony.
Have a Lady Justice trophy lying around, or maybe even a Bible? Kill someone with that. The cops won't get the irony, and you'll get away scot-free.
DO falsify documents and pretend to be an attorney.
LOL, no one will care. Right, Wes?
... And when all else fails, find a fall guy!
"Are they... did they just... did she really... yep, they're blaming the black guy."*
(*Everyone's internal dialogue two weeks ago.)