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Madonna Thinks There's Too Much Spanking In '50 Shades of Grey'

And an unrealistic amount of something else.

Madonna wrote the book on sex. Literally. So what does she think of today's de facto sex bible, "50 Shades of Grey"? Well, she thinks it's a little unrealistic -- but not because Christian is ridiculously rich and successful yet has ample time to stalk. Or because Ana's subconscious is always directly saying things even though the subconscious is decidedly "sub." Or because everyone is murmuring all the damn time.

Nope, it's because Grey is a little too, err... generous. And we don't mean with his cash.

"This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much," Madge said in an interview with Billboard. "I'm sorry, but no one eats p---- as much as the guy in that book."

We didn't count how many times it happened in the flick, but we'll take your word for it, lady.

The Rebel Heart singer also gave her official decree on whether or not the book is sexy -- you know, with all that ummmm [blushes furiously] going on.

"It's pulp fiction," Madge said. "It's not very sexy, maybe for someone who has never had sex before. I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, 'Hmm, a lot of spanking.'"

Too much spanking. Unrealistic oral sex. Madge has spoken.