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If Your IUD Were A Pop Diva, Who Would It Be?

Get to know your IUD as your own personal birth control superstar.

Like your favorite pop divas, who stay committed to the game in a sea of powerful entertainers, only a few birth control methods truly stand the test of time. IUDs -- or intrauterine devices -- really stand out in the birth control canon.

Thankfully there is a smorgasborg of medical information online about IUDs, but most websites aren’t personifying your research on babystoppage with the women whose babymaking music got you in this position in the first place. Behold, your IUDs as pop divas.

  • Paragard is the Mariah Carey of IUDs
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    Like Mariah, Paragard has been big since the 1980s and continues to be one of the most influential performers in its field. It’s a small T-shaped polyethylene device with fine copper wire wrapped around the vertical stem.

    While copper is not the standard marker of success in the music biz -- Mariah has 17 multi-platinum hit singles -- I’d put my money down that Mariah’s chart-topping rate is about the same 99.2%-99.4% effectiveness rate as the Paragard.

    Paragard is the only IUD that's non-hormonal -- thanks to copper’s ability to naturally increase enzymes, prostaglandins and white blood cells in the uterus, all believed to detour a man’s sperm and prevent fertilization -- ergo, unlike Mariah’s early hit, Paragard won't “make you feel emotions.” And they both have serious endurance. Paragard lasts for 10-12 years; Mimi has been a queen for far longer.

    Be warned! There are potential downsides: Some women experience heavier/longer menstrual bleeding and more severe menstrual cramps. Nothing a comfy afternoon playing “Daydream” won’t solve.

  • Mirena is the Miley Cyrus of IUDs
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    Mirena is one of the hormonal IUDs, and Miley Cyrus’ songs have ushered so many of us through our most hormonal times. Mirena works by releasing low doses of the progestin levonorgestrel. It’s thought to work by thickening cervical mucus, inhibiting sperm function and ovum migration, and suppressing endometrial development.

    It’s a jill-of-all-trades, really -- not too unlike Miley’s style of writing, recording, playing and performing the majority of her music.

    Most Mirena users said they had a decrease in menstrual flow and cramping; some even stopped menstruating entirely while on Mirena. Once inserted, Mirena lasts for five years, and it can be used by women who can’t take estrogen -- so if that applies to you, don’t take nothing from nobody who says you can't have an IUD.

  • Skyla is the Taylor Swift of IUDs
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    Like Taylor, Skyla is relatively new to the game, but is quickly making a huge name for itself. Skyla was released in 2014 and, on paper, functions almost exactly like Mirena. Taylor and Miley actually likewise have a lot of similarities: Both young divas took similar musical trajectories from country to pop, and both Skyla and Mirena take the same steps to prevent pregnancy. They’re hormonal IUDs that use levonorgestrel to do their jobs. Skyla releases slightly less levonorgestrel than Mirena, but it's just as effective. Think of a Taylor Swift video versus a Miley Cyrus video: Usually Taylor’s doing less, but saying just as much. Skyla lasts for three years, as opposed to Mirena's five, but this can be great if you're planning to have a child sooner than later, or just want to reap the aforementioned benefits of a hormonal IUD for awhile and see how it feels for you. Please note: All IUDs require insertion by a clinician or healthcare provider, and they do not prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs). The insertion process can be painful, and discomfort may continue for three weeks with increased chance of some infections during that time. That is, like all pop divas, they might irk us at first ... but soon enough, they’re practically a part of us.