Guess what, Meghan Trainor, you're a lying liar who lies. Every inch of us is NOT perfect from our bottom to our top -- at least according to a leaked email from the woman in charge of the Alpha Chi Omega chapter at the University of Southern California. The lady in question exhaustively details appearance guidelines for the sorority's members/is basically the head of our own personal nightmare guild.
I was never a sister in college, but I did live in a dorm in the sorority quad and, during rush, was witness to herds of young, nervous women in pointy shoes and khakis getting ready to
audition for friends take part in that grand collegiate tradition. I thought those ladies had it rough (pointy shoes are forged in the Devil's workshop), but it turns out that even if you're already in a sorority, it still matters oh-so-much what you look like -- at least at the University of Southern California.
The letter in question, penned in 2013 and sent by a tipster to Jezebel, details how women should physically present themselves during "polish week," which is apparently the week before sisters start meeting potential new members and has nothing to do with kiełbasa, as we had previously hoped.
Some of the highlights? Ladies are encouraged to wear Spanx (made with pointy shoes in the aforementioned Satanic workshop) no matter their weight. "I cannot stress how important Spanx are to make you look your best," the anonymous woman writes. "Even if you are very thin, Spanx will give you a better 'line' when you wear clothes (no awkward bumps!) Plus you don't have to worry about sucking in all the time or being bloated!"
Nope. You only have to worry about your internal organs grinding together as you shake hands with all your new
Once your body is under control (you filthy, awkward-bump-having animal), it's time to make sure your head is on straight -- or at least your hair, which can be that (straight) or curly. IT CANNOT BE WAVY BECAUSE THEN NO ONE WILL LIKE YOU. Also, no ombres, roots or unnatural colors, so, whatever, Katy Perry, you can't sit with us.
Now onto your face, the best of which you should always put forward -- and by "best" we mean "one that matches the ones collected on this crazy woman's Pinterest board."
"If you are not wearing the required makeup, I will stop you and apply it myself," the Mother Theresa of makeover writes, after detailing an exhaustive list of neutral cosmetics that sound boring. "I don't care if you're late for class. I don't care if you're a sophomore or a super senior. I will stop you. If you don't know how to apply all this makeup, check out my Pinterest board. I picked out all the videos and products with you guys in mind!"
This is my dramatic reenactment of this lady's Pinterest board.
Women are also to stay thin and exercise, get French manicures, make sure their brows are on fleek (and by "on fleek" we mean not really bushy and not really thin but Goldilocks' porridge jussssst right) and, of course, get some damn contacts because men don't make passes at girls who don't enjoy sticking their fingers in their eyes. "Poking your eyes is worth it just this once, promise!" the stateswoman of self-image proclaims.
You can read the full text of the letter here, but suffice it to say, pretty much none of us would be deemed worthy of this illustrious institution. Even Taylor Swift. Even Taylor Swift.