7 Awful Lessons From Your Favorite Childhood Movies

These classics didn't give us the best life advice.

People love movies. Kids are people. Kids love movies. The problem is that sometimes those movies taught you incredibly wrong, terrible things.

Don't believe me? Grab a repulsively large tub of buttered popcorn and let's take a gander at how we may have been scarred for life. Just don't get the Milk Duds; they'll get stuck in your braces.

  1. "Home Alone": Don't call 911, kids... You've got this!

    The awful lesson: When strangers break into your home, leave the police out of it as long as you possibly can. Instead terrorize the intruders with an elaborate setup of booby traps; that'll definitely work in real life. And when all else fails, light them on fire. The old guy next door is more likely to help than the cops anyway, so just wait for him to magically appear.

  2. "The Sandlot": Manipulate your crush to get with them

    The awful lesson: Be yourself, and you'll be alone forever. Fake a near-death experience, and enjoy your sweet first smooch.

  3. "Blank Check": Monetary fraud is AWESOME

    The awful lesson: A guy accidentally runs over a kid's bike, and hands him a blank check to buy a new one. Instead the kid writes "$1,000,000," gets a mansion with a built-in water slide to zip around in, and then uses all of his neat expensive toys to defeat the guy who wants the money back. The end.

    The New York Times called it "a movie that no parents in their right minds should let children see," and the Chicago Tribune charged it with "blatant shilling for products." To be fair, a water slide at your house would make you pretty cool.

  4. "Jurassic Park": Keep your doubts about a bad idea to yourself

    The awful lesson: Who questions the basic safety of this potential deathtrap before it all goes wrong? The lawyer. What happens to little weenies who ask too many questions? THIS.

  5. "The Karate Kid": Challenge your bully to a fight -- you'll def win

    The awful lesson: Sure, he's way bigger than you and could destroy you if he wanted to. But a few martial arts classes will basically make you an invincible ninja, so good luck!

  6. "Ghostbusters": Don't trust environmentalists

    The awful lesson: The EPA is just making things worse, releasing ghosts all over the place and what not, so ignore every paranoid thing they say. Hey, does it feel warm in here?

  7. "Space Jam": Yay, steroids!

    The awful lesson: Sure, they were just drinking "water," but did you know there's REAL stuff that can make you just as big and strong?! I'd look into it.