What's Up With Matthew McConaughey's Insane Golden Globes Beard?

It's full of secrets, and nose prostheses.

Lest you missed the cries of dismay erupting from all over the internet, Matthew McConaughey turned up on the Golden Globes red carpet tonight sporting his very own take on the "lumbersexual" trend that's so super-hot right now.

And since MTV News has a strict editorial policy against saying anything negative about things that grow out of Matthew McConaughey's face, instead, we will just say that this particular look is, uh, unlikely to spawn legions of copycats a la Jared Leto's 2014 Oscars ombre.

But look, you guys. You know why Matthew McConaughey's beard is so big? Because it's full of secrets, that's why. Here's what we're 99.999% sure, on good authority, is hiding inside that manly scruff.

  1. Steve Carell's prosthetic nose from "Foxcatcher"

    Y'know, just in case Steve wants to pop it on if/when he wins.

  2. The several pounds Jennifer Aniston lost instantly after the filming of "Cake"

    IT HAS TO HAVE GONE SOMEWHERE.

  3. A secret draft of the True Detective finale that really does go full-on H.P. Lovecraft

    You'll never convince us that it doesn't exist.

  4. Enough airplane-sized bottles of vodka to get everyone at his table absolutely schnockered

    Alright? ALRIGHT.