"American Horror Story" isn't much for happy endings, and that includes the show's numerous, wildly diverse sex scenes. In four short years of AHS, there's basically no untouchable subject that it hasn't given a good groping -- including bestiality, necrophilia, incest, and tupperware sex parties.
And hey, that's not to mention last night's (January 7) insane scene where Neil Patrick Harris had a bone-fest while his ventriloquist dummy watched. Yikes!
But on a series that doesn't hold back on the gore and gross-outs, where the physical act of love is as likely to end in a bloodbath as it is in a post-sex shower, there are still a handful of moments that really stand out. Below, we've rounded up the wildest "American Horror Story" sex scenes in the history of the show.
Ben Harmon and... Ben Harmon
The infamous scene in which Dylan McDermott sobs and wanks at the same time (onto a baby changing table, just to make things extra weird) is still the least sexy sex scene ever to grace AHS, or any other show, for that matter.
Madison Montgomery and Franken-Kyle
It starts with strangulation and ends with an against-the-wall schtupping, but what really takes this scene over the top is that both participants in the act are technically dead.
Franken-Kyle and his mom
A reassembled Kyle comes back from the dead with another guy's private parts, and his mother instantly knows the difference, for the worst possible reasons.
Jimmy and the Tupperware Party
He doesn't even wash his hands between housewives, you guys. GROSS.
Moira the Maid and Joe Escandarian
On a show like this, it's not a question of whether some hapless bastard will get his wiener bitten off, but when.
Honeymoon of Horrors
We're assuming that Bloody Face was as grossed out as we were by this particular pre-copulation move, and that that's why he kindly relieved Adam Levine of his arm, so he couldn't do it again.
Vivien and the Rubber Man
The full-body latex sex suit is actually the least freaky thing about what's happening here.
Zoe and the Doomed Frat Boy
It's just business as usual for this young witch, using her Vagina of Death to rape and kill a comatose teenager. Ho, hum.
Queenie and the Minotaur
Because when a half-man, half-bull monster comes to your house to kill you, of course the solution is to try to have sex with it. OF COURSE IT IS.
Elsa's Last Film
That awkward moment when you think you're making an ordinary porno, and then a couple of dudes with pantyhose over their heads come out and cut your legs off with a chainsaw.
Bloody Face and Lana Winters
Baby needs colostrum! And we need a million showers and a memory-erasing device, please and thank you.