How many times have you seen the phrase "New Year, New You" since you had to start writing "2015" on your checks instead of "2014"? The advent of a new year sends people spinning into self-improvement mode, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't share it. But I've also had ~makeovers~ on my mind in a wayyyyy different capacity: these weird-as-f--k makeover game apps that are lurking in the iTunes App Store.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to shave Justin Timberlake's face or pluck Miley Cyrus' eyebrows? What about giving Princess Jasmine's teeth a major overhaul? Follow-up: Would any of these activities be fun? The answers to these questions are just within your reach!
Celebrity Shave Beard Makeover Salon & Spa
ACTUAL GAME NAME: Celebrity Shave Beard Makeover Salon & Spa — hair doctor girls games for kids
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: This game's name is a mouthful (and clearly devolves into a search play after the dash), but it's free (spoiler alert: all these games are free to download). Also, how can you resist a chance to shave Justin Bieber??? DOWNLOAD.
Unfortunately, Biebs is only available if you make an in-app purchase (frugal gamers, you can thank Kim Kardashian for proving to game developers that those things work). In the free version, your only options are JT or One Direction's Louis Tomlinson.
Your celeb comes with a face full of fur and a row of various tools: shaving cream, assorted buzzers, razors, a pair of scissors, and something called "hair grow."
I chose to work with the single-blade razor, and...it didn't end well. (Sorry, Justin.)
Good news: Even if you perform this poorly, there is another set of tools—bandages, tweezers, rash cream, and after shave—that appears so you can rectify the wrongs you've committed on your selected celeb's mug.
In the end, you can take a picture of your work. You worked hard on this, and you deserve that much.
FINAL THOUGHTS: The game is fun enough, but you really only need to play it once, maybe two times. I still have questions about why Timberlake's eyebrows were rendered so bushy, but they won't keep me up at night.
VERDICT: One thumb up. But not way up?
Celebrity Eyebrow Plucking Makeover
ACTUAL GAME NAME: Celebrity Eyebrow Plucking Makeover - Beauty Salon Spa Shave for a Hairy Girls Face 2 : Wedding Day
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: This game's name is even worse than the shaving one's! Also, I don't really enjoy plucking my own eyebrows in real life, so I'm not sure how this qualifies as a game but whatever. DOWNLOAD.
You get two choices: Miley Cyrus or Kim Kardashian. Apparently these are eyebrows that need plucking?
You have two tools: tweezers and a brush for filling things in. Neither of them are very precise.
Frustrated with what I had done to Miley, I decided to try Kim. This is not what I would call success.
There's also a version with dude celebs, but you have to download it separately.
This is the work I did for Drake.
In the end, no matter what kind of hack job you do on these eyebrows, the game still issues you a certificate, heralding you as an "Eyebrow Plucking Guru."
FINAL THOUGHTS: While the positive end no matter what is very affirming, the game play here is just...not it.
VERDICT: If you're grandfathered in to unlimited data, sure. All else, ehhhhhhhhh.
A Cool Princess Dentist Salon Makeover
ACTUAL GAME NAME: A Cool Princess Dentist Salon Makeover - fun little girls covet fashion princess dress up games for free
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: WHAT IS THIS. WHY IS THIS. WILL I EVER SLEEP AGAIN.
The first time you play, your only options are Ariel or Belle, but...umm....I played again so I could take screenshots of Princess Jasmine. The up-side: You don't have to spend any money for extras in this game. The down-side: You're spending minutes of your life staring at this horrific visage.
Each tool in your kit performs a different function. You can buffer plaque off the enamel, brush away stains, and extract dead teeth. You even have that little water spigot and suction system that real dentists have!
When you've revived the princess to peak dental health, you can even add little charms and stuff because IDK clean teeth aren't enough, I guess. And like the celeb shaving game, you can take a photo of your work at the end. But the princess doesn't smile for it, she leaves her terrifying shark mouth agape.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Well, I played it again, so.
VERDICT: It's just too weird *not* to experience.
Princess Shaving Salon
ACTUAL GAME NAME: Princess Shaving Salon
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: This game doesn't need a string of search terms in its name to get people to download it. It has a grotesque bearded, unibrowed, "princess" with BUGS in her hair. In what world would you be able to resist downloading this and sending it to all your friends and relatives and co-workers to gawk at?
When you open the game, you're greeted by one of Princess Shaving Salon's sister games, such as Mermaid's New Baby.
After that, you're passed this "Choose Your Client" clipboard. First of all, if you had a choice, why would you ever choose a client that was already visibly not into what was about to go down? Second of all, only one of these clients is unlocked, so don't taunt me with lies of "choice."
There are three stations in this game: Leg Spa, Face Spa, and Dress Up. I chose to start with the legs.
In the leg spa, you're presented with your princess' cracked, mud-covered legs. Thankfully, her toenail polish is intact.
You can put soap and water on the legs, but you have to pay real money for what looks like an avocado mask for the dryness and a towel to dry off the water. That's ridiculous, so I moved to the Face Spa.
Hello princess! Almost every tool here is locked, and the epilator doesn't appear to work.
You can brush her teeth, though! ಠ╭╮ಠ
The Dress Up station had the least roadblocks, but by this point, I was too fed up with not being able to actually shave the princess to notice.
FINAL THOUGHTS: What purpose is a Princess Shaving Salon serving if you can't actually shave any princesses????
VERDICT: I hate this game.
Princess Leg Spa
ACTUAL GAME NAME: Princess Leg SPA - girl games
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: If I digitally shave ONE hair, this game will already be worlds better than the last princess shaving game.
Sure, I get why she needs to come to a spa to have other people do things for her (she's a princess, also her nails are VERY long), but SHE HAS ZERO HAIR.
Oh, NVM. This girl's legs need work. But why is she already bleeding?
I can confirm that you're able to soap, rinse, AND towel off the legs, so the other game is dead to me.
The razor is locked, but—much like in real life—there is a less convenient but still usable option available: a pair of tweezers. It looks painful, but whatever, it's the princess' problem, not mine.
When you've removed all the leg hair and heal all the wounds (again, not sure why those are there), you can dress the princess! It's been a while since I've been to a spa, but I'm pretty sure custom styling is not a service but I'm also not royalty.
This is the outfit I chose. You can direct any questions about what kind of princess wears sheer thigh-highs to the game developers for giving me the option.
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: It's fine, I'm just still mad about that other princess game.
ACTUAL GAME NAME: Foot Spa - Kids game
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: That foot is disgusting. Why would the idea of scrubbing someone else's foot be fun for me?
Finally, a game that presents you with actual options and not the promise of options if you give part of your soul to the game.
That foot is disgusting.
But sure, I'll wash it.
I'll even take the old nail polish off.
And, OK, yep, we're really cutting these toenails. Great. This is what my life has become.
After the foot looks presentable, you can give it a new pedicure. Here's where the fun starts.
You're presented with a bunch of solid colors, neons, patterns, and even gems and baubles and stuff.
When it's all over, you can take a photo and write a message on the foot if you're so moved.
FINAL THOUGHTS: After putting away whatever part of my ego thought I was above cutting digital toenails, I was able to enjoy the creative joys of the nail art portion.
VERDICT: Maybe this is my disappointment in the princess games talking, but this was pretty OK.
Design It! Baby Fashion Designer
ACTUAL GAME NAME: Design It! - Baby Fashion Designer: Dress Up , Make Up and Outfit Maker & Tailor
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS: Let's end on the most depressing note possible.
Something about the proportions on this game are off and the whole thing looks squished. The only baby available in this free version is the blonde one.
Once you've selected your baby, you can go to "design it," "makeup," or "dress up."
I figured, the game's called "Design It!" so I'll design first.
I wasn't allowed quite enough control for my taste, so I just put an "I <3 Fashion" button on the dress and proceeded to "dress up."
There are better clothes here, so I abandon my custom piece.
There are definitely pageant-type clothes in this closet, but I decided to pick the most ~realistic~ baby outfit at my disposal. This is how real babies dress. With a liiiiiiittle extra fashion by way of some Britney Spears-channeling fuzzy hair ties.
Then, there's a makeup counter.
One option: You can apply what I believe is the baby version of Mike Tyson's face tattoo.
Or turn your baby into a young Mimi Bobeck.
I went with what I believe to be a temporary tattoo of a ladybug.
Without any prompt, you're presented with four options: red carpet, board star, run way, and magazine. I selected "board star" more out of curiosity than anything else.
Surprise! It's a BILLboard. I put the baby on a billboard. And with that, I decided I was done.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I've burned off all of my thoughts playing hours of makeover games. I have no more thoughts to give.
VERDICT: Let me be an example for you. Play at your own risk.