You Haven’t Known Fear Until A Crazed Groundhog Chases You And Invades Your Home
Groundhog Day is still months away, but judging by the nationwide freezing temperatures, this winter is going to be a rough one -- especially if a demented woodland hellbeast has it in for you.
Hampton, New Hampshire man Gary McGrath doesn't know why a two-foot-long nightmare groundhog showed up at his residence yesterday, but according to WMUR-TV, it approached him in the yard, and then -- after McGrath twice kicked it away and retreated to his garage -- found an opening and followed him in. So McGrath fled back outside.
“I took off as fast as I could," McGrath told WMUR, adding, "And he follows me up the steps and started biting, clawing and really acting nasty."
McGrath managed to get through his front door without being mauled, and called animal control, but the officer who showed up had to hide inside his truck, so afraid was he of the little monster, before finally mustering the courage to put it down send it back to Satan. A rabies test is pending.
OK, maybe this story is a tiny bit overblown. Even the man at the center of it seems shocked they're covering it on the news. McGrath tried to downplay things, admitting, "I...didn’t have to [run] too fast. He had pretty short legs."
Thrilling! Did this really deserve two minutes and 30 seconds of a television broadcast? Not to mention the man-hours required to send out a camera crew, gather b-roll, and edit the interview? (Plus the possible hours of therapy for a reporter who may be on the precipice of an existential crisis, muttering, “I went to journalism school for this?”)
Indeed, "Hampton Couple Menaced By Aggressive Groundhog" is the most local news-y local news headline ever. We did it, folks! We've reached peak local news!
