MTV’s “Next” was a staple of my childhood, and quite possibly one of the most brilliant shows on television. A bachelor or bachelorette was set up on a series of blind dates and could, at any point during the date, say “next” if he/she were no longer interested. It was home to some of the best pickup lines, outlandishly cruel rejections and the most ridiculous fun facts in history.
The inappropriately intimate facts were always of interest to me. How did they get these people to admit some of these? I imagine the producers sitting down with the participants and saying, “Alright listen up. We need three cutesy fun facts about yourself and at least two of them have to be so mortifying you’re mother will never want to look at you again.”
Let’s take a look and see what we learned about the people of “Next.”
1. Sean is the world's first player virgin
Poor Sean! He has this whole reputation of a player and the producers out him as a virgin. I think this gives Sean a little edge though; vulnerability can be a really attractive trait in a guy. Unfortunately, his date didn't agree because she "next-ed" him without even hearing what he had to say.
2. Pierce dates men in nursing homes?
“OK, yeah, that’s really nice you work at Outback, people like steak. You’ve never been on an airplane? OK, fine. But, we’re bored man. Give us something juicy! Oh...that’ll work.”
3. Michelle spends a lot of time in the bathroom
I like Michelle’s strategy here. She’s thinking, "I’m gonna start by hitting ‘em with an obvious pro in my favor, I’ve got a banging bod and a trophy to prove it." Then she’s gonna pepper in a little weakness to show that, like everyone, she is flawed. Then she’s thinking, "I don’t want anyone to forget me." So she drops her incredibly regular schedule on us. Great strategy, Michelle. I’m impressed.
4. Matt is not ashamed
Matt was not playing around with his fun facts. He wanted people to know what he was all about right off the bat. He’s not ashamed; he gets shvetty sometimes. He’s not afraid to share his opinions about animals: "F--k you veal eaters!" And finally, he has no regrets. Yeah, fine, he might have had to say a few more Hail Mary’s than normal, but he’s definitely not embarrassed about it.
5. Keshia is OK with being an idiot
First, how is it possible to fail a driving test five times? The next logical bullet point would say that Keisha is legally blind. But alas, her next two facts just reveal that she is just kind of dumb. Also, I don’t know what “guacs” are, but I want some.
6. Jarran is bad news
What did you possibly do to get kicked out of ASU? Murder someone for their jeans?
7. Sam’s got bladder issues
First of all, Sam, super sexy pose. You’re adorable, your high school was not wrong. And aww, you want to move to Texas to meet a wife? I love it. I’m in. One question though: just exactly how old were you when you peed in your parents’ room? 23? …Next….
8. Brad is a winner
I do not see a single red flag in this list. I don’t care what anyone says, Brad seems like a stand-up gentleman who has probably never smoked any weed. Brad’s got a bright future ahead of him, I can tell.
9. Zach needs to take it down a notch
Alright, Zach, you need to take it from a 10 to a 2. I can already tell that you’re a little much. I’m assuming that second bullet was no accident and I think your dad has been a little lenient with you. Respect your elders, junior.
10. Raj has a thing for fast food mascots
Everything is confusing about Raj. EVERYTHING.
11. Staci LIT HER HOUSE ON FIRE WHEN SHE WAS SIX
STEAR CLEAR OF STACI. STACI IS A PHYSCOPATH.