The 11 Guys At Every Bachelor Party
Hollywood would have you believe that bachelor parties are life-altering experiences with over-the-top shenanigans, personal epiphanies and, quite possibly, murder. In real life, though, they're just fun, over-hyped exercises in male bonding.
Almost everything that happens at any bachelor party has happened at some other bachelor party. (Except for that time Bill Murray crashed one.) And they're all populated by the same 11 dudes. Take a good, hard look in the mirror to figure out which one you are the next time you celebrate a buddy's upcoming nuptials...
1. The Commander
The Commander (who is usually also the best man) has planned the weekend's debauched events, made the necessary reservations, and, most importantly, sent out all the joke-laden emails leading up to the celebration.
He has all the answers, but he's the most stressed of anyone in the group, as his performance is constantly being evaluated, fluctuating based on things like the amount of beer and red meat consumed, the number of dudes who have to sleep on the floor or share a bed, and the quality of the, uh, "entertainment."
2. The Usurper
From the moment the wheels of the plane touch the ground, The Usurper is convinced that the weekend is being botched and that only he has the means to transform it into a legendary excursion. He immediately starts floating out alternative activities to mix into the scheduled slate of events.
He is only interested in doing what he thinks would be the most fun, but -- like a good politician -- The Usurper slyly makes other members of the party think they want what he wants. His ultimate goal is to spark a mutiny against The Commander.
3. The Dirtbag
The Dirtbag wears gym shorts to the strip club, somehow manages to sneak a couple pics of the dancers with his phone, and is often MIA for large chunks of time. But the thing about The Dirtbag is, he's doing all this slimy stuff and he's not even that drunk!
4. The Friend Nobody Else Knows
Who is that guy? He's a little weird, right? Why does he have a flip phone? How can he be friends with the groom if the rest of us have never heard of him? Is he just a shy coworker? It's possible. Does he have a mound of dead ferrets in his basement? Also possible.
5. The Local
This guy has a superior familiarity with the hosting city and makes sure to let everyone know, offering up "insider" spots to slide into the itinerary, which just means darker places that are further away and have worse drinks.
6. The New Dad
The New Dad hasn't had a night out in roughly six months, so he's been eagerly awaiting this chance to get away from the shrieking, pooping hellspawn he left with his wife back home.
On the first day, he becomes the Hulk of partying, his shirt covered in a stripe of sweat from his ass all the way up to his neck. You may return to the hotel room to find him naked in the empty bathtub. On the second day, he sleeps until dinner, then calls it at 11 p.m. On Sunday morning, he leaves for a super-early train or flight before anyone else is even awake.
7. The Old Relative
Could be the groom's dad, cousin, or older brother, but he's always rocking square-toed leather shoes with baggy jeans. The Old Relative's favorite topics of conversation are the bureaucratic makeup of his regional office and Peyton Manning.
8. The Wildcard
No amount of debauchery is ever enough to satisfy this man's hunger for mayhem, so he constantly tries to escalate the proceedings into the realm of absurdity, whether by bringing leftover painkillers from his boating accident or doing recon for the nearest underground Nuru massage joint. He's always plotting some prank, and you suspect his porn habits are terrifying.
9. The Unhappily Married Guy
This is the most dangerous guy to be around. Like the New Dad, he's experiencing that incendiary mix of desperation and euphoria. But The Unhappily Married Guy is determined to put himself in as many situations as possible in which he might commit adultery, though he's secretly happy whenever one of the nobler members of the crew talks him out of it.
God help you if he actually does cheat, because that's an "I Know What You Did Last Summer"-level evil secret that you all will have to take to your graves.
10. The Happily Married Guy
He's always running up to the hotel room to FaceTime his wife or scurrying off to the corner to give her a quick call. And they're constantly texting. His favorite part of the weekend is the meals; his least favorite part the lap dances.
11. Oh, right... The Bachelor
To be honest, he's the LVP of the bachelor party experience. He doesn't pay for anything, he gets all the attention, and he has the final word on all food orders. The Bachelor is essentially a figurehead, a child king being propped up while others toil away to make everything run smoothly.
