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An Open Letter To 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Star Jamie Dornan About His Penis

Dude to dude, you should show your dong.

Dear Mr. Dornan,

Usually I'd ask, but I'm going to go ahead and call you "Jamie," because if we can't be comfortable with a first name-situation, the rest of the conversation is pretty much moot.

Jamie, dude to dude, it's your responsibility to show your penis in "Fifty Shades of Grey."

In case you're suffering from some short-term memory loss, I'm referring to the interview you just did with The Guardian where you said that certain "contracts" made it certain that no one would see your "todger" in the upcoming adaptation of "Fifty Shades of Grey."

(Side note: It's a penis, Jamie. If we can't call the male reproductive organ by its proper name, we've got a lot bigger problems than contractual obligations to worry about.)

You also said in regards to how explicit the sex would be, "You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, and ugly, and graphic."

Now this is where I think you're wrong.

I'm going to tell you a story that might not seem related at all, but it has everything to do with you showing your penis in "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Back before "Pacific Rim" opened in theaters, MTV did an interview with Guillermo del Toro. In that talk, he mentioned that on the other side of rift at the bottom of the ocean was another world filled with monsters. We asked, expecting perhaps a non-answer in the name of spoilers, whether we'd see the monster world, and Del Toro's answer was essentially "Yeah, of course. You don't set up a portal to a monster dimension without going through it."

To make my position on this matter perfectly clear, I have no horse in this race. "Fifty Shades of Grey" is not a movie I have much interest in seeing, and if it wasn't for my job, I might not ever see it. It's just not my thing. It's other people's thing, and that is fine.

But I think I have a pretty good idea about why this movie is being made and who will go see it, and I can say with confidence that nothing about "Fifty Shades of Grey" has anything to do with appealing to as wide an audience as possible. It's about giving an enthusiastic audience what they want.

And I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say what they want is to see your penis.

Just like how anyone who paid to see monsters and robots fight expected to see the monster world, someone who pays the full ticket price to see a film adaptation of "Fifty Shades of Grey" expects to see sex. It's why millions of people read the book. The trailer did its job in assuring prospective audiences that, yes, there would be some banging in the movie and — very likely — some nudity from Dakota Johnson.

Right?

This brings me to my main point.

My correspondence is not about seeing your penis. It's about audience expectations and equality. Because unless Ms. Johnson had similar contractual agreements about keeping her — whatever the female equivalent of a todger is — out of view, there's some serious inequality here, and as it stands, that's going to make some moviegoers very, very disappointed.

Don't do it for me, Jamie, because I may never know one way or the other how naked you get. Do it for the people laying their money down to find out what the hell a todger is and what yours looks like.

Your friend,

Kevin

"Fifty Shades of Grey" opens in theaters on February 13.