Internet, for once your rumors and rumblings were true. After weeks of speculation, today it was confirmed that Beyoncé is releasing another album this November. The Platinum Edition Box Set version of last year’s surprise self-titled album will drop Nov. 24. The two-CD/ two-DVD set will include new songs called “7/11″ and “Ring Off," new and unreleased remixes, the original self-titled visual album with 14 songs and 17 videos, a live performance DVD from the year-long “Mrs. Carter Show World Tour," and a mini version of the 2015 Beyoncé calendar. For your locker.
Pause for screams.
While we wait for the "Flawless" singer to somehow speed up time and make Nov. 24 arrive faster than the current and painful 20-day wait (who's counting? Oh yeah. THE WHOLE BEYHIVE!), let's take a sec to reflect upon how we handled the surprise release of BEYONCÉ last December. These next three weeks are gonna feel like forever, so let's use the time we have to prepare accordingly.
1. Say goodbye to your loved ones as soon as possible.
You're a survivor. You're not gonna give up. You're not gonna stop. You're gonna work harder.
But you're going to look so damn gross and unflawless for every second of it, and your family, friends and roommates do not need to see you lose what's left of your ish as you pore over Beysus' holy offerings. Put a sheet over your plants, even, until you pull it together. No living thing deserves to witness the horrific mess you'll become.
2. Set aside at least $208.98.
The first $28.98 for the four-disc box set.
Stock up on at least $50 worth of groceries, or $1,755 if you're not leaving home for the next couple of weeks. (You're not.)
Be sure to leave at least $130 in savings just in case you need to pay the next month's heat, hot water, gas, electricity and WiFi bills before you emerge from your cocoon. Pro tip: You don't heat, hot water or gas to stay on top of Twitter. Sacrifice as necessary to prolong your seclusion.
3. Warm up your vocals.
If last year's surprise release was any indication, you're going to need all the vocal prep you can to not go hoarse from all the involuntary, primal screaming.
According to Beyoncé's 2003 episode of VH1's "Driven," Mathew Knowles made Bey and the rest of Destiny's Child/Girl's Tyme jog around the block while singing. Try that.
4. Make peace with the fact that you will not survive.
Everything you've read up until this point has been a lie. There is no preparing for, much less surviving, the 2014 Platinum Edition Box Set