Use These Scientific Facts To Justify Your Scumminess

Before she slaps you, pull out that textbook.

We're all despicable sometimes. Disgusting and dirty, lewd and loud...but that's our nature. Next time you're feeling rude or crude, don't blame yourself; blame evolution for making you this way. Here are your new rationalizations for all your scummy behavior...

You had too many drinks the night before

Why it seems scummy: You've scratched that party itch a little too hard, and now your finger is down your throat while you're kneeling over the (extremely scummy) toilet. This headache is the least of your regrets. Why are you such an idiot?

The scientific justification: Why are you such a genius? All right, binge-drinking isn't smart, but the United Kingdom's National Child Development Study found that people with higher intelligence are more likely to drink too heavily. And that's why a brilliant scholar such as yourself just did a keg stand. You might want to stop killing all those brains cells though, OK?

You're attracted to your cool teacher

Why it seems scummy: She's entrusted with your education, and would be fired (and possibly jailed) if anything were to happen between you two. Even if your educator is only a couple years out of college and super chill, it's totally wrong to have the hots for her.

The scientific justification: You just care deeply about your future lineage. A recent study of 12,000 people found that guys -- no matter whether they're teenagers or older than 30 -- are most attracted to "women in their mid-twenties ... likely because women of this age are the most fertile," according to the Academy of Finland. You want to be a family man, which will someday be sweet, not scummy at all.

You're dating somebody for their money

Why it seems scummy: Isn't this the definition of using someone and/or being used by them? Do you even feel like your own person, or just another possession in their collection?

The scientific justification: You just want a better love life. According to psychologist Dr. Thomas Pollet of Newcastle University, "[W]omen report more frequent orgasms the higher their partner's income is." While attractiveness matters, he reports, "Money, however, seems even more important." What's wrong with satisfaction? That's physical, not materialistic!

You only care about looks, not brains

Why it seems scummy: Personality just isn't one of your priorities, and that's...wrong? Isn't "superficial" an insult? With a bod like that, though, SAT scores don't seem to matter.

The scientific justification: If you're dating the stereotypical letter-jacketed meathead, it's not just because of his muscles. His skill at team sports predicts future good parenting skills via his use of cooperation, likeability, role acceptance, and assertiveness, according to scientists at Laurentian University in Canada. Go team!

Likewise, if your main dating criteria is that a woman has big boobs, a big butt and a tiny waist, there's a scientific reason: She's less likely to have a heart attack or develop diabetes, explained the late Dr. Devendra Singh, a professor at the University of Texas. So, you don't only care about your girlfriend's looks... you also care about her health.

You don't cuddle after sex

Why it seems scummy: Does this require an explanation? If you're physically intimate with someone, it doesn't seem like a little emotional intimacy afterward is an absurd request.

The scientific justification: OK, science doesn't justify you kicking someone out of your bed right after intercourse, because nothing justifies that. But if you merely fall asleep post-coitus instead of cuddling, you're not a jerk -- it's because the amazing sex raised your levels of prolactin, a hormone related to tiredness, and now...zzzzzzz.