It's a natural reaction while watching a scary movie to yell out advice to the poor souls about to be hacked to bits on the screen.
But it's easier said than done.
If you ever find yourself on the stalkee end of the equation at the hands of a movie serial killer, these are the practical tips you'll need to make it out alive.
A general warning: most of these involve leaving all of your possessions and loved ones behind.
1. Michael Myers
Run! Or walk really quickly, whatever your level of fitness allows. Overworking yourself is only going to be a bad move here, because surviving Michael Myers is all about movement. Once you're out of stabbing distance, get on a plane. Domestic locations won't do since Michael can drive a car. You need to leave the continent. Go to a tropical island and enjoy the rest of your life.
Before anything happens at all, I'd recommend studying up on horror films. You don't even have to find the obscure stuff. For a film-obsessed killer, Ghostface isn't too interested in the deep cuts. He only asked Drew Barrymore about "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th." A close watch of the classics should do you well. Assuming he won't leave you alone even if you ace the quiz, call the cops after the first call, keep a cell phone (on silent) handy and hide. You're likely in your house. You need the spots. Go there and chill until the police show up. Voluntarily spend the night in jail and then have the police secret you away to the airport. Go start a new life somewhere.
Okay, so this isn't the best situation to find yourself in because if you're facing Jigsaw, you're already trapped. The best kind of preparation I can recommend is being a good person for your entire life. Beyond that, stay calm. It's very possible to survive a Jigsaw encounter, but it's going to require some insane morality and probably some deep personal cost, like an arm or something. If you have to kill someone to escape and can live with yourself afterward, be my guest.
4. Jason Voorhees
Since the murderous hockey enthusiast is just a rip-off of Michael Myers, the same rules apply, but make an extra effort to abstain from any and all sexual activity. Once you've make it to your island getaway, feel free to sex it up.
5. Freddy Krueger
This is a tricky one. You have to sleep. There's no way to avoid the most dangerous situation when it comes to this killer, but you can better your chances of survival. First, learn how to lucid dream. It's possible to teach yourself, and it will make you more powerful once asleep. Then study military sleep patterns. You can take multiple naps, at least 45 minutes in length, throughout the day. This way, you're spending less time per sleep in the dream world. Best of luck to you.
Run away and get on a plane. Why does anyone ever get killed by Chucky?
Avoid Texas. That's an easy first step, especially if you're pro-choice. If you're already in Texas, keep to populated areas. (Austin is highly recommended. Try the brisket.) If you've found yourself in the house of a cannibalistic family, just run. You might have to leave some of your friends, but Leatherface is not a fit individual. Stick to a regular cardio routine, and you can outrun him.
8. Toby the "Paranormal Activity" Demon
While you might have an invisible demon terrorizing you for the rest of your days, it couldn't hurt to put down the camera.