Well, that was freaky! Having screamed and shuddered our way through the season premiere of "American Horror Story: Freak Show," we've officially been introduced to the denizens of Jupiter, Florida's finest freak show -- and one downright terrifying clown who will haunt our nightmares for weeks.
The show kicked off with plenty of action for fans to sink their teeth into, from multiple murders at the hands of the aforementioned clown, to the discovery of conjoined twins Bette and Dot hidden away in a closet, to a tupperware party where, ahem, lobster claws were the hottest item on the menu. And needless to say, we're thoroughly excited to see what comes next for Elsa Mars and the marvelous family she's gathered together under her carnival tents. But as with any good opener, this one also left us with an awful lot of questions.
Did David Bowie steal "Life on Mars" from the German grande dame of a Florida freak show?
If the "American Horror Story" timeline is to be believed, Elsa Mars and her orchestra of physically extraordinary musicians were performing David Bowie's music when Bowie himself was still a tiny tot in short pants. What does it mean? Could this scene herald a cameo from Ziggy Stardust himself, in the same way that the appearance of Stevie Knicks was teased last season?
Can we please, oh please, have more Frances Conroy?
Fortunately, the answer to this question is almost certainly "yes," since Conroy appears on the promotional poster and is listed in the credits for every episode. But let this be a statement for the record that Frances Conroy makes every scene better, and fans are eagerly awaiting the chance to hail her every screen appearance with a war cry of "BALENCIAGA!"
Where is Kathy Bates' bearded lady supposed to be from?
Ireland? Canada? Asgard? The moon?! Your guess is as good as anyone's. Ethel Darling's accent is as indecipherable as her beard is luscious.
Does Elsa know that Jimmy Darling has a side gig as the freakshow gigolo?
Elsa seems to believe that any woman would be horrified by Jimmy's ectrodactyly, but if she knew how many desperate housewives were lining up to be tickled by his magic fingers, she might be singing a different tune.
Did everyone catch the classic freak show reference?
Unless you're as obsessed with the 1932 film "Freaks" as I am, you probably didn't notice that the Geek was sporting a fashion homage to the signature look of Koo Koo the Bird Girl, a sideshow performer who wore an identical feathered costume in that movie. Knowing that the show is clearly drawing inspiration from "Freaks," it might not be too much to hope that the gooble gobble, one of us chant might make an appearance sometime this season.
Does the rest of the freak show family know what's hidden under Elsa's dress?
After seeing her swan around like Marlene Dietrich for an entire episode, the revelation that Elsa was doing it all on a pair of prosthetic legs was one heck of a jaw-dropper -- one it seems like she's taken great pains to keep hidden. Do the carnival folks know that their mistress is dealing with her own set of physical challenges?
And finally, why is the murder clown taking prisoners?
Wait, wait, I've got it: Because he wanted a captive audience. Ha! Hahahaha! Oh god someone please be friends with me, I'm so lonely.