Hey, Leo. Err, can I call you "Leo"? It's just that I've been watching you since Growing Pains, so I feel pretty comfortable with you. I guess that's also why I feel like I can say this: I'd really appreciate if you did something about that beard.

It's just—THIS is the image of you that will forever live in my head:

(And I'm sure I'm not alone in that.)

And yet, THIS is an image of you from earlier this week:

*SIGH*

Let me clarify. This has nothing to do with Leo-in-his-early-20s vs. Leo-in-his-late-30s. Case in point? This photo of you from the set of The Wolf of Wall Street:

This was taken only two years ago, but void of any facial hair, that baby face can really shine through!

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Listen, you're a phenomenal actor, immeasurably dedicated to your craft. Everyone knows that. So—OK—I'm willing to bet money that this bushy chinful is for your role as 1820s frontiersman Hugh Glass in The Revenant. You know, since nothing says "woodsman" like a face full of steel wool. But—pause—isn't that what hair & makeup departments are for? Huhhh??? Why deny a few talented special FX makeup artists an opportunity for work, amirite???

Oh, because in turn, you'd need to wake up earlier just to get into the makeup chair instead of sleeping or reviewing your lines for the day privately? Fine. That's a valid argument. But ALSO.

Consider this! You're using more water every day to wash that beard.

In order to properly groom your furry face—which I assume is a thing you're doing before speaking at the UN climate summit—you need to be washing your face thoroughly with soap and water every morning and every night.

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Sure, the actual amount of water needed to make that happen is negligible compared to sources of water pollution like failing septic systems or oil leaks. BUT STILL. You can't blame me for grasping at straws here because this beard is just out of control!

I mean, LOOKIT. Even if you're growing out your chin hairs as far as genetics will take them to more ~accurately~ portray a man of the backwoods, that's only when you're on the clock. You can swing a little combing down in your free time, right? A dollop of beard wax to keep things together while you march in the name of climate change? SOMETHING, MAN. It wasn't even HUMID in NYC this weekend—there is very little excuse for this.

Forgive me for being too frank, but TBH, I'll say anything to get you further from this Leo. Please. I beg of you. Something. Must. Change.

Love,

Me