People poke fun at "man-purses," but at least a guy with one has chosen to carry it, as opposed to the "my-girlfriend-is-using-the-bathroom-and-I-have-to-hold-her-purse" purse. If you're a relationship rookie, like I once was, you might not realize that these handbags are too precious to touch the surface of the earth -- you can't just put a handbag on the ground, like a gym bag. Ha! No, sir. That would get you killed. You have no choice but to hold it.
Fortunately, I've developed some simple solutions that will make your brief time as a Michael Kors model less embarrassing. Here they are, divided by bag...
Spacious and sexy, the tote will surprise you with its ability to weigh 500 pounds. I didn't know my girlfriend had superhuman strength, you'll think to yourself. Also, because of its long "handle drop," you can't grasp the tote by the strap (that would result in the bag touching the ground!) so you have to wear it on your shoulder.
Will's Simple Solution: Place a baguette in the bag. Totes look a lot like those bags they give you at Whole Foods, so you'll just look like a man at the tail end of a romantic grocery run.
Similar to the tote, the hobo is a hulking beast of a bag, but it exudes a more "rustic" quality that in no way diminishes its capacity to crush your manhood.
Will's Simple Solution: Throw on a bowling shirt and sunglasses. Problem solved! Notice, here, how I'm free and easy, like "The Dude," while concealing my identity beneath fashionable shades.
Unlike the hobo, the satchel typically has a flat, closed top -- the perfect accessory for a modern businesswoman on the go, and a mortifying sack of shame for the poor guy who has to carry it for her when she's tired.
Will's Simple Solution: Since satchels typically look like old-timey doctor bags, wear a stethoscope around your neck and you'll look cool, like Doogie Howser, M.D. (Or Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.)
The Crossbody Bag
The crossbody bag is a medium-sized, classy little number that has a long strap, allowing for hands-free, stylish portage. Unfortunately, its street-chic flair goes horribly with your cargo shorts and hockey jersey.
Will's Simple Solution: Clip your smartphone to the strap, don a cycling cap and dangle a fake cigarette from your mouth. Notice how seamlessly I blend hipster arrogance and functionality, as I explain to my coffee shop friends how much I dislike the concept of mail.
The clutch is a sexy little accessory that you'll never want to hold awkwardly in the hallway of a Loews cinema. With no straps or handles, it's the closest thing a style-conscious woman has to a wallet. It's just big enough not to fit in your back pocket, too, so enjoy showing off that flashy houndstooth pattern!
Will's Simple Solution: Using twine you found in the garage, fasten the clutch to your left shoulder, so that it resembles the pauldron worn by Mel Gibson in "Mad Max." Observe how my shoulder protection appears post-apocalyptic -- despite the fact that it glitters like a gumdrop -- simply because I'm standing before a chain-link fence.
Comparable in size to the clutch, the wristlet is unique in that it has a zipper, a lanyard and an uncanny ability to humiliate you in public.
Will's Simple Solution: Unzip the wristlet and balance it on top of your head, like a cook's hat. Immediately, the people around you will understand that you're a culinary genius who's skilled with tongs.
The minaudiére is technically a piece of jewelry -- not a bag -- but, since it performs the same function as a clutch or wristlet, I feel obliged to mention it. Rigid, dainty and compact, the minaudiére has a certain je ne sais quoi that will drain you of your dignity as your date uses the bathroom at Applebee's.
Will's Simple Solution: Since the typical minaudiére is shiny and covered in semi-precious stones, you can dangle it from a chain around your neck, like Mr. T. Notice, here, how I appear sophisticated, yet street-savvy, as if to say, "I got that ruby embellishment, son, and lip gloss."