11 Embarrassing Things You Will Do Freshman Year

These regrettable realities of student life won't be covered in orientation.

Your bags are packed. Your shower caddy is stocked. Congratulations, you’re about to be a college freshman and possibly experience the best year of your life. Before you get too excited about your first real taste of freedom and cafeteria food, however, know that it’s also possibly the most humiliating year of your life. Here are 11 embarrassing things that are as certain to be in your near future as a bucket of free condoms.

1. Eating like s–t

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You’ll literally be a starving student, because you’ll constantly have the beer munchies, which you’ll satisfy with pizza. And more beer.

2. Vomiting in public

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At 6 a.m. on some random Wednesday, you and any poor soul who happens to be around you will learn the hard way that schnapps actually isn’t a good mixer for vodka.

3. Pretending to love a book you’ve never read

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You’ll try to look smart in front of the hottie in American Lit class, and wind up muttering through sentences like, “‘A Confederacy Of Dunces’ is my favorite book about the Civil War.”

4. Getting caught masturbating

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You share a room. You share showers. You do the math.

5. Having a crush on a professor

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He’ll (or she’ll) wear cool jeans and let you call him by his first name. You’ll show up overdressed to too many of his office hours before noting that band on his left hand.

6. Being stuck in an elevator with a random person you’ve hooked up with

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Is there an emergency “stop the awkwardness” button?

7. Waking up to obscene things drawn on your face

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To be fair, you should never have fallen asleep in the presence of Sharpies and jackasses.

8. Running into a crush after pulling an all-nighter

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The first rule of procrastinator’s club is always wear sunglasses and a hat after not sleeping.

9. Being “that guy”/“that girl” at a party

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A little public vomiting is nothing compared to this. Luckily your friends will document the moments your brain was kind enough to erase.

10. Forgetting the name of a person you’ve had sex with

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You just have them in your phone as “Jesse Nice Butt.”

11. Taking yourself hilariously seriously

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You’ll shoot a short film that’s supposed to be “deep” because it’s in black and white; you’ll attend a protest to save the spotted unicorn; you’ll write horrible poetry and read it out loud to people — but you won’t have the good sense to laugh at yourself ’til five years after you graduate.

Tess Barker is a stand up comic and co-host of the Lady to Lady podcast.