Ask most “Harry Potter” fans, and they’ll agree: J.K. Rowling returning to the Wizarding World with new short stories is very good, and very fun.
In the past two months, Rowling released a follow-up to the “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” epilogue, penned from the perspective of Rita Skeeter. Yesterday, she released a short biography centered on Celestina Warbeck, aka the Singing Sorceress. These new entries in the “Harry Potter” universe are more than welcome. If Rowling wants to continue expanding the universe past the events of “Deathly Hallows,” we’re more than happy to keep checking in on Harry, Hermione, Ron and the rest.
However, we encourage Rowling to mind the words of Uncle Ben: “With great power, comes great responsibility.” There are some “Harry Potter” follow-ups that should never be told. There are some stories too heartbreaking to reveal. Some secrets must stay buried forever.
These are the seven “Harry Potter” stories that Rowling must never release.
(Warning: Things are about to get dark.)
1. Surprise! Wizard Prankster Fred Weasley Still Alive!
As it turns out, Fred did not die at the Battle of Hogwarts. He faked his death, with the help of twin brother George, as part of an elaborate prank revealed during the brothers’ 50th birthday. Until that revelation, the two had been “Christian Bale-ing it,” ala “The Prestige.” Upon returning to public life, Fred was reinstated as official co-owner of Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, leaving younger brother Ron without a stake in the company.
2. Incensed! Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes Lost In Fire Conspiracy!
Months after Fred’s return, several Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes warehouses across the Wizarding World went up in flames, causing massive damage to the infrastructure of the Weasley twins’ decades-spanning enterprise. Lead suspect Ron Weasley not seen in three weeks.
3. Scandal! The Boy Who Lived, Come To Cheat!
Fortunes continue falling for the Weasley family, as world famous wizard Harry Potter announces separation from longtime wife and mother of his children, Ginny Weasley. Weeks later, Harry and old friend (and Ron’s estranged wife) Hermione Granger spotted summering in the Seychelles. When asked about the nature of her client’s new relationship, Granger’s publicist issued a firm “no comment.”
4. Betrayal! James And Lily Potter Still Alive, Just In Hiding!
The famous victims of He Who Shall Not Be Named have become the Parents Who Shall Not Be Named, as it turns out that Harry’s folks never died at all — they just went into hiding to avoid the burden of raising young Harry. “It’s not that we didn’t love him,” newly discovered Lily said when reached for comment. “We just love boozy vacations more.” Speaking of booze…
5. Boos! Neville Longbottom Arrested In Butterbeer Brawl!
The Hogwarts hero, whose hard times have been chronicled by the Daily Prophet in great detail, was taken into custody by old friend and auror Harry Potter after a late-night skirmish at Hogsmeade’s Three Broomsticks Inn. Longbottom currently awaits trial at the Ministry of Magic.
6. Horror! Voldemort Discovered To Have Had A Ninth Horcrux!
And no one knows where it is! :(
7. Winter! White Walkers Wail On Wall, Wage War On Wizarding World!
Wait, wrong fantasy epic.
Which “Harry Potter” secrets would you be devastated to learn?