The VMAs are this Sunday, which you probably know because you were born knowing and ready. You’re well aware that Beyonce, Ariana Grande, 5SOS, Taylor Swift, Her Minajesty, Sam Smith (ready your feels!), Maroon 5 and Usher are performing live, and you’d sooner knowingly drink a thumbtack smoothie than miss a VMA lineup like that.
Yet surprisingly, there does seem to be a small, perplexing subset of the population that may choose not to watch the VMAs. Their reasons aren’t fully clear or realized, but I have a few anti-VMA theories, which I’ll share in a moment. Also, if you or someone you love find yourself strongly relating to the criteria below, maybe the VMAs just aren’t for you. That’s fine, I guess. There are lots of boring alternatives for you to enjoy. Like forced solitude or hateration.
Not gonna watch the VMAs? Maybe that’s because…
1. You’ve accepted a dreary life of boredom.
2. You somehow hate fun. Rude.
3. You’re okay with missing the biggest night in pop music.
4. You didn’t realize the VMAs are free to watch.
5. You’re fine with not being able to relate to everything everyone will be talking about for the next three months, minimum.
6. You’re in a cult. Please stop reading this and seek help. (Unless the cult involves pure surrender to Beyonce.)
7. You’ve accepted the fact that you’re dead inside.
8. You’ve become part of a secret Anti-Beygencey oppositional force that will ultimately be destroyed.
9. You’re feral.
10. You’re a total mess.
11. You’ve honestly just dealing with a lot of stuff right now, okay?
12. You’re basic.
13. This is you.
Just kidding! See you Sunday!