My esteemed colleagues at MTV News have been pretty busy opining — via that most journalistic of forms, the GIF — which member of 5 Seconds Of Summer they would like to escort to the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards this Sunday. Passions have been running high, my friends. HIGH.
I have no qualms with their choices — none at all. I’m a way-chilled cucumber over here, dudes. Extoll the virtues of Calum, Luke and Michael all you like, my friends! Extoll away! That leaves more Ashton Irwin for me. Everyone knows that drummers are the hottest members of any given band — and, apparently, the smartest. Keep those guitar-slingers and whatnot for yourselves; he and I can play the Bo Diddley beat all night long — with our heartbeats.
I don’t need to tell you, oh, 5SOS Family, why Ashton would be the ideal man to walk me down the aisle — I mean, red carpet (wearing matching band Ts, of course). But it’s pretty fun to look at GIFs of him smiling so let’s do that for a while, shall we?
OK, here’s why Ashton Irwin would be the perfect 5SOS member to take me to the VMAs.
He plays the drums, which everyone knows means he’s way energetic and would be able to dance the night away — Taylor Swift-style
He likes Nirvana and so do I. We could totally sing the entirety of Bleach in the limo on the way there.
And also The Ramones! Gabba gabba hey, Ashton! Let’s do the Blitzkrieg Bop (but maybe not get sedated) down that red carpet.
In the video for ’Don’t Stop,’ he played a superhero with super strength. So, basically, he can totally carry me home if I get too tired partying at the VMAs.
Also look at him saving that cat. This isn’t really relevant to the VMAs, but any guy who likes cats enough to risk life and limb is basically the ideal man.
Oh, he also likes the Dead Kennedys, apparently. Afterparty at our place! (a palace that will be entirely made of punk rock vinyl).
We could both wear black-framed glasses like adorable scenesters — all the better to see Bey tear up the stage. He could also wear that Batman shirt, I don’t care.
He could also wear this. Everyone knows the craziest outfits are the most memorable at the VMAs.
Also, that smile. It could light up The Forum.
I mean. Just…
…The joy is BLINDING.
I mean, like ivory happiness, those teeth are — wait, is that a Misfits T-shirt?
I swear to Danzig, forget the VMAs… (or don’t — watch them Sunday at 9 p.m. ET/PT on MTV).