Well, today is probably the best day of my life. In mere hours I will be heading to Philadelphia to see One Direction on their Where We Are Tour, and I'm so excited I feel like I'm going to vomit. Though my face looks like that of a child and my voice is what I imagine a speaking newborn would sound like, I am, in fact, an adult woman.
Reconciling my age and my affinity for One Direction isn't a problem for me, but for others—wow—they do not get it. In order to put all the h8ers in place and look fly as hell (and possibly win the affections of the band members), I need to look, um, the best I've ever looked. No pressure, self.
Anyway, in deciding what to wear, I pored over approx. 1 billion outfits and settled on a few possibilities. Here is what to wear when you're an adult going to a One Direction concert:
PROS: These printed rompers are real cute and exude just what a sophisticated woman you are. A woman who is brave enough to wear a one-piece outfit to a concert, where, as a teen, you would've feared spilling mustard on yourself. In your old age and wisdom, you know how to stop spills before they happen.
CONS: Wearing a romper is annoying, period. You basically have to de-robe to go to the bathroom, and who wants to be in a stadium bathroom for longer than necessary?
PROS: While most of your concert peers are probably going to be in, like, #JORTS and crop tops, you can show them what it's like to be an adult and wear a dress. You're a ladylike adult, according to these dresses. You're not a grandma by any means—hello, the plaid one has suggestive sheer panels—but you've mastered the art of sitting on a folding chair with your legs crossed.
CONS: When you're undoubtedly overcome with the need to stand on said folding chair, all the children behind you will have an inappropriate view. They won't remember what funny thing Liam said onstage because they'll be too busy staring at your underwear.
PROS: You'll—once again—redefine for these kids what being an "adult" means these days. Look at you: You're cool, you like One Direction, but you also pay your rent on time and have a job that requires a suit. These sleek and solid suits will take you right from the office to the show. The best part? You bought the suit and your ticket to the show yourself.
CONS: Compared to teens, you may look old. You know what doesn't get old, though? Not having to ask your mom for money to buy peanuts. #yaburnt
A MATCHING SET
PROS: You'll look totally on-trend and polished next to your seatmates, who designed their own white T-shirts for the occasion. Also, if you wear the sparkly one, there is simply no way Niall could miss you from the stage. That's the goal, right?
CONS: There may be a lot of matching sets in the crowd because they're so popular right now. You may even encounter a person seven years your junior in the same set as you, in which case, you may be forced to leave the concert before you die of embarrassment.
A WEDDING DRESS
Of course, in the long run, what you wear doesn't really matter because, um, the temptation to tear your clothes off the second they run out onstage will overcome you. Or so I expect.