Take a few deep, cleansing breaths and brace your neck for maximum hair-whippage, Swifties, because Taylor Swift is officially performing at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards. Did you heed my advice? Good, because your hospital bill is not coming out of my paycheck.
Announced moments ago on "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon," the two-time VMA winner will take -- nay, SLAY -- The Forum stage on Sunday, August 24 at 9:00 p.m. ET/PT. She joins previously announced 2014 VMA performers Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, Rita Ora, Beyoncé, Maroon 5, Usher, 5 Seconds Of Summer, and Ariana Grande, along with Pre-Show performers Fifth Harmony. (Does somebody have my Life Alert bracelet? Because I've fallen and I can't get up after running through that star-studded performance roster.)
Wait. Do you hear that? That's the sound of approximately a bah-jillion Taylor Swift fans rapidly flapping their metaphorical hummingbird wings to the bass-drop beat of "I Knew You Were Trouble" and head-banging to "All Too Well" in anticipation. Why? Because in case you haven't been keeping track, this is the fourth VMA performance of Taylor Swift’s career. And she’s slayed every VMA moment so far.
Wait, Taylor Swift? Actually, more like Slaylor Swift! UP TOP!
Oh, and you'd better believe that I've got the photographic evidence to back up this obviously true claim.
Presenting the 61 Times Taylor Swift (a.k.a. SLAYLOR SWIFT) Absolutely Slayed The VMAs.
1.) Awwww, it's baby's first VMAs in 2008! Consider 'em slain.
2.) Same goes for this red-carpet close-up.
3.) Tay even slayed the networking game, making her way to Ms. Britney Spears.
4.) Learn those hair-flipping, hand-choreo secrets, country-pop princess.
5.) She kicked it with the Jonas Brothers.
6.) After correcting Joe's pronunciation of her name. "It's pronounced Slay-lor."
7.) She even got to know her future peers in pop slayage, Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus. They haven't changed a bit!
8.) Taylor being Taylor, she made sure to take selfies with some fans, and -- OH MY GOD, THAT'S A DIGITAL CAMERA NOT A PHONE.
9.) How did Taylor arrive at the 2009 VMAs? In a princess carriage.
10.) Eat it, Cinderella.
11.) Looks like someone was practicing her red-carpet slayage.
12.) See that triangle shape her arm is making? Ugh, Taylor is even the best at trolling Illuminati conspiracy theorists.
13.) Taylor performed "You Belong With Me" in the New York City subway.
14.) And she emerged looking like the complete opposite of a person who was just riding the subway.
15.) How was she not a sweaty mess?!
16.) Slay on, the people's country-pop princess. Slay on.
17.) Oh my god, and she got to hug Beyoncé. MAXIMUM SLAYAGE POINTS ALLOWED.
18.) Taylor subdued her slaying in 2010, performing a haunting ballad entitled "Innocent."
19.) There was some Fosse Lite™ slayage.
20.) Along with a little "Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter!" in there.
21.) Did Taylor Swift just steal my soul?
22.) Taylor Swift just stole my soul.
23.) SPEAK NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR SLAYAGE.
24.) Oh my god, remember the Sharon Stone realness Tay served on the VMA red carpet in 2011?
25.) Live in this moment. BAAAAATHE in this moment.
26.) "Oh, is that the entire world?"
27.) "Hi, entire world, it's me -- Slaylor."
28.) Taylor not only took a selfie with a Swiftie...
29.) ...She even helped her pick a filter.
30.) Is everybody prepared to discuss Taylor's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" performance?
34.) This guy is.
35.) Taylor slayed all the notes ever.
36.) Hired a bunch of dudes to carry her across the stage.
37.) Got in a few digs at her ex.
38.) Worked in a little (unintentional yet perfectly appropriate) "Single Ladies" slayage.
39.) Whipped her high-pony back and forth.
40.) And even managed to make horizontal stripes look slimming.
41.) LITERALLY, WHEN WILL YOUR FAVES?!
42.) And of course, Taylor waved goodbye at the end because she was raised right on that Christmas tree farm.
43.) In case you've already forgotten, Taylor did nothing but slay at the 2013 VMAs.
44.) "Who, me?"
45.) "Just kidding, I knew it was me."
46.) "I knew it was me the whole damn time."
47.) Tay got close enough to Ashanti to tell her how hard she (probably) stans for "Foolish." Ugh, so jealous.
48.) Got some QT with Drake.
49.) Champagne Papi's about to cry, and I am right there with him.
50.) Then Taylor slayed the meet-your-idols game and chatted with Justin Timberlake.
51.) "Slay them, Taylor. Slay them all."
52.) Etch this on my tombstone tbh.
53.) Here's Taylor, casually slaying with Selena Gomez and Chanel Iman.
54.) Oops, I mean Slaylor and Slayena.
55.) "Psssst, I'm about to slay."
56.) SHE TRIED TO WARN US.
57.) She won the VMA for Best Female Video, which was presented by Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers, and Daft Punk.
58.) Who's weeping? It's OK, you can raise your hand.
59.) Most overwhelming of all is the fact that Taylor Swift shall live to slay another VMA.
60.) Are we even ready for 2014? Short answer: no.
61.) Long answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.