A Doctor’s Four-Step Guide To Ensuring It’s Just A Fart

Here's medical knowledge your underwear will appreciate.

Farts can be amusing, stinky, and fun — but you MUST prevent a shart before it starts. That’s why we consulted with Dr. Rene Backer, an osteopath who gave us some valuable tips on how to keep it clean while passing gas. (If this is a problem for you, be sure to visit your own doctor for individual advice.)

1. Don’t expel farts with maximum thrust
A shart is essentially flatulence gone wrong. It occurs when the anal sphincter is relaxed during the act of passing flatus. If the flatus is gaseous, it will slowly be expelled passively (i.e. without a “surprise”). Because of this, one of the best safeguards against sharting is avoiding “bearing down” or forceful expulsion.

2. Go on a low-fart diet
Normally, the body breaks down food into energy and waste. When foods are difficult to break down, however, they remain in the colon for extended periods of time. Bacteria ferment these undigested food particles, and the byproduct of their metabolism is gas. This gas accumulates in the rectum until it is expelled in the form of flatus. (Hence the infamous punchline, “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!”)

To minimize the amount of gas formed in the colon, avoid foods like artificial sweeteners (gum, soda) and apricots, beans, onions, green peppers, corn, artichoke, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, peas, asparagus and carrots.

3. Eat plenty of fiber
If you have a history of sharting, it’s a good idea to increase your daily fiber intake. Barring an unexpected bout of diarrhea, maintaining a diet which is high in fiber can act as a sort of shart prophylaxis.

4. Know if you are lactose intolerant
Lactose intolerant people lack an enzyme known as “lactase,” a condition that results in excessive gas production when undigested sugars are fermented in the colon. To keep it simple, just remember when you rip ass, it’s likely the result of something you ate or drank.

Related: Fart The Night Away Thanks To This Odor-Blocking Fart Pad

With some prudent dietary planning, awareness and self-control, you too can hopefully fart like a pro and save the gravy pants for your gramps.

Tess Barker is a stand up comic and co-host of the Lady to Lady podcast.