The Terrifying Reason Why The ‘Ninja Turtles’ Don’t Have Penises

This is NSFW, but it is also science.

Maybe show the kids out of the room for this one. Read on with caution.

Just hold on for one second while we crash a wrecking ball into your childhood and any positive associations you might have had with the cute animal we all know as turtles.

Just a warning, once you read on, you’ll be like “heroes in a half shell, turtle — OMG.”

You’ll notice, watching the various trailers and footage for this weekend’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” that the camera rarely wanders below our reptilian heroes’ hypothetical navels. (Turtles don’t have belly buttons either.) They always have turtle sweatshirts tied around their turtle waists (even ninjas get chilly and appreciate layers, guys) or turtle samurai gear obscuring their nether regions (for turtle fighting, of course) or turtle shadows of strategic turtle darkness.

There is a reason for this.

And the reason for that is that male turtle genitalia is simply horrifying.

I’m warning you now, if you don’t want to be haunted, don’t open the door to this turtle penis ghost-filled room. Don’t walk down the hall. Whatever you do, don’t go downstairs.

OK, you’ve been warned. Before you get upset, just remember: this is science.

You will not be able to un-see this:

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