If you’re anything like a living, breathing organism that takes oxygen in and out of its lungs, you’ve probably dated a few jerks in your time. You’ve probably also lamented the decision to hang with miscreants in retrospect, wondering, “How, oh how, do I curb my insatiable appetite for bad boys?”
Well, we have the answer for you: Start dating guys like Chris Pratt. Emphasis on the “like,” as he is married to Anna Faris and you dating the actual him would turn him into one of those aforementioned miscreants.
But, we digress. Here’s why Chris Pratt is probably the guy you should be dating.
1.) He was probably everyone’s adorable platonic best friend in high school.
Judging by this high school yearbook snap, Pratt was that kid who used to sit at your lunch table adorably sharing his Doritos with you while excitedly rehashing last night’s episode of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer.”
You know, the guy you should have dated in lieu of staring at that pot-smoking skater kid who thought your name was “Sally.” (“It’s Sarah,” you’d weakly whisper to his retreating band t-shirt-clad back.)
Everyone knows Andie Walsh should have chosen Duckie — stop chasing those Blanes, already.
2.) He can dance.
When you become old and get married, you’ll apparently start wanting to go dancing with your husband and he will decline (at least according to some clichés I’ve seen bopping around). Chris Pratt will never decline. His feet will not let him. Therefore, you will not end up having an affair with your salsa instructor (becoming yet another cliché).
3.) He can rap.
This makes him a “cool dad,” which means that the kids will want to hang out with him at concerts or at the skating rink or at the soda shop (or wherever it is that kids go), leaving you alone to finish your novel — or just stare into darkness and think about the slowly unfolding flower that is the universe.
4.) He can French-braid hair.
For some un-pinpointable reason, this just inherently makes him better than other men. Perhaps it has something to do with attention to detail and relative finger nimbleness.
5.) He cares about his body.
6.) But not too much — because that’s annoying.
7.) And also this.