Here’s The Justin Bieber/Orlando Bloom Fight, Explained By Stephen Colbert

Let the slow-clapping begin.

Is there an anchor more proficient at covering world news than Stephen Colbert himself? No, there is not. Only a man with his comedic timing could cover the Justin Bieber/Orlando Bloom club fight like his.

“Tonight, I am sad to report another international dispute that has erupted in senseless violence,” Colbert opens, maintaining a serious and concerned tone as footage of ABC World News’ report on the Ibiza beef rolls onscreen.

“Yes, early reports indicate that Justin Bieber had his first hit in years. The roots of this conflict are, of course, Byzantine and ancient.”

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Colbert goes on to describe the twisted love triangle between Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, tossing out giddy nicknames for the couples, including: Morlando Blur, Mustin Keebler, Jelusty Gobbler and Sorlena Blomez.

Then the entire bit takes the cake when Colbert describes the scene in Ibiza as follows:

“Tensions were, of course, running high when late last night, in the no man’s land of Ibiza, Justin Bieber crossed into hostile territory by walking past Bloom’s table. Bloom deployed defensive measures when he refused to shake Bieber’s hand. Traumatized witnesses report that Bieber then launched a short-ranged, ballistic, ‘She was good.’ So, Bloom threw a punch at him.”

Snarkily, Colbert takes sides while tossing out a jab of his own, quipping, “I do not condone this type of violence, because… Bloom missed Bieber’s face.”

The Internet then extended a collective “Thank You” to Mr. Colbert, for covering the news of this celebrity faux pas in exactly the way we were all thinking.