Twitter: @RMWoollacott

7 Clothing Items Girls Want Guys To Throw Out Yesterday

Have some mercy, guys, and ditch these horrendous articles of clothing before your long-suffering girlfriend ditches you.

Look, she’s too into you for these to really be deal breakers, but you’re really pushing it with these offensive “fashion” items. (Really.) Let her take you on a shopping date if you’re still wearing…

1. Anything That Could Be Considered A “Utility Sandal”
Sure, they’re comfortable, but these Velcro-ed monstrosities remind her of what would happen if her uncle got really into river rafting. Give your “mandals” their walking papers.

2. T-Shirt With A Crude Phrase On It
She knows what “Pink Taco Fan Club” means. Everyone does. These shirts are the clothing equivalent of a truck stop beer coozie. She would consider buying one of those “I’m With Stupid” shirts, but that’s obvious enough already.

3. A Cheap Suit
You may only wear a suit two or three times a year, but when you do, she’s probably next to you, looking way too hot to be seen with what appears to be a used car salesman. Man up and buy a real suit. She’ll like the way you look. We guarantee it.

4. Mesh Shorts
Okay, maybe these don’t have to go away completely, but unless you can limit their use to the basketball court, it’s probably best to bench these, the sleazy motel of clothing.

5. Ratty Boxers
If the waistband is stretched, so is her tolerance for watching you parade around the house in what is essentially a piece of paisley printed garbage. Call your mom and ask for new ones like a damn adult.

6. Cargo Anything
No man needs more than four pockets. Your pants are not a backpack, and this is not 1998. Send the cargo pants/shorts/vest packing.

7. Skinny Jeans
For the love of all things flattering, buy a pair of baggy jeans without trying them on — like every other rational man in the world — and let her be the one who wears the (tapered) pants in the relationship.

Tess Barker is a stand up comic and co-host of the Lady to Lady podcast.