Look in any direction at San Diego Comic-Con and you’ll see superheroes come to life. OK, not every cosplay attempt is 100% convincing — sometimes it appears Batman traded his six-pack abs for highly caloric six-packs from all of Gotham’s microbreweries — but the best costumes make you believe for a second that your favorite characters leaped off the comic book page.
Unfortunately we live in reality, not the Marvel or DC universes…but what if (queue Uatu the Watcher narration) superpowers were real? Which would be the most pragmatic at SDCC?
We’re not talking about the coolest power for everyday use — which is obviously Magneto’s ability to kill Nazis with their own bullets — but the superhuman ability best suited for an overcrowded sci-fi and fantasy convention.
Without a doubt, the worst part of Comic-Con is waiting in line for countless hours. If you want to attend a panel or autograph session, you’ve gotta wake up at like 4 a.m. — or camp overnight — and then waste the whole day making sure nobody steals your precious spot.
The ideal, cosmic ray-induced solution: Keep your feet planted firmly in line while stretching your torso around the San Diego Convention Center to see all the other cool stuff. You wouldn’t even risk losing your coveted place in line to pee; just stretch your bladder to hold the excess liquid — or, if that’s still uncomfortable, stretch your junk all the way to the restroom urinal. (No wonder Sue Storm calls him “Mr. Fantastic.”)
With 130,000 people in attendance, foot traffic can move slower than it does in Times Square and/or hell. How terrific would it be to walk right through this near-stationary mass of humanity like Kitty Pryde? Also, you could send a friend back in time (like she does in “X-Men: Days Of Future Past”) to prevent the nightmarish future you caused by drinking too many shots of rail tequila at last night’s Capes, Cowls & Cocktails happy hour. Speaking of which…
3. Hangover Healing Factor
‘Nuff said, bub.
The food at Comic-Con won’t exactly get you in superhero shape, unless we’re talking about the Blob. As Collider.com explains in its guide for SDCC
“Of the food that’s on sale, very little of it could be reasonably described as ‘healthy.’ It’s pizza, it’s hot dogs, it’s potato chips, it’s cookies, and while all of these are delicious, they’re hardly nutritious. They’re also damn expensive. Vendors at the San Diego Convention Center know you’re not leaving the premises to go get food and so they can charge you a premium. Rather than pay inflated prices for junk food, bring your own snacks and a bottle of water.”
Yeah, or you could step outside for a quick solar energy boost like Superman, who doesn’t even need food to live. Lex Luthor would figure out some scheme to pump San Diego’s sunshine full of weird preservatives and “real cheez flavor” and charge $9.75 a pop.
5. Aquaman’s Powers (Except Cool)
The Convention Center overlooks the lovely San Diego Bay, and you could make a grand entrance by summoning and water skiing on dolphins. (Whereas the real Aquaman would lead a “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes”-style revolution against the nearby original SeaWorld because he watched that “Blackfish” documentary on Netflix.)
6. Mind Control
This would BY FAR be the most useful power for Comic-Con, if you had zero morals: No waiting for panels (everybody in line welcomes you to the front with open arms); all the merchandise you want for free (the salespeople just have a good feeling about you); instant access to any celebrity-filled party (Ben Affleck wants — nay, begs — you to replace him as Bruce Wayne, and Stan Lee adopts you as his legal grandchild).
Plus, cell phone reception at the San Diego Convention Center is abysmal, so at least you could still contact your friends…and, y’know, learn all their darkest secrets, because #zeromorals.
7. Being Rich As Hell
Assuming you’re not the sociopath version of Professor X, all those mint-condition first issues and never-opened toys and greasing bouncers’ palms at exclusive social events will cost you a pretty penny. And in our world, where heroes don’t levitate or shoot laser beams or often appear when they’re needed most, cash is sadly the main thing that makes you super powerful.