Everybody loves nationally recognized holidays. They’re amazing! You can sleep in, you don’t have to go to work unless you’re a waiter or public transportation operator or a whole bunch of other professions besides “office worker,” and most importantly, most of them come with an excuse to eat a whole lot of food. Heaven.
But do you know which holidays aren’t so great, Bob? Movie holidays. Specifically ones like “Purge Day” from “The Purge” and its sequel, “The Purge: Anarchy.” (But wasn’t the first one kind of anarchy-ish too, since everybody let loose and was killing each other and what not? Eh, who am I to ask questions.)
Still, Purge Day is far from being the only horrible movie holiday offender. Below are a whole bunch of cinematic nationally recognized holidays that make going to work seem super awesome:
1. Purge Day, “The Purge” (And “The Purge: Anarchy”)
Somehow, some way, somebody decided that fully legalizing all crime – INCLUDING MURDER — for one night a year would solve all of Amerikuh’s problems. This sucks in so many ways.
First of all, if I’m going to enjoy a day off, hunkering in my bed watching reruns of “Doctor Who” on Netflix, I’d like to do it without the constant threat of getting murdered by that girl who threatened me on Twitter when I said I didn’t love the latest episode of “Scandal,” thank you very much.
But more importantly, I feel really sorry for the petty criminals who want to celebrate Purge Day by graffiti tagging or drag racing or robbing a liquor store, but they can’t because there are literal murderers running around with machine guns. It’s just not fair that this holiday discriminates against small-time crooks in favor of murderers. Might I suggest two Purge Days? That might even the playing field.
2. The Reaping, “The Hunger Games”
Oh hey guys — the good news is, you get an afternoon off from the grueling, soul-sucking manual labor you have to do 24/7 while the members of the Capitol get their nails done. The bad news is, we might steal one of your children and have them fight to the death in a nationally televised bloodsport. Oops!
3. Last Day, “Logan’s Run”
Okay, so “Last Day” is a different day for each person — their birthday. Their 30th birthday, where they’re told they’ll get reborn but instead get horribly murdered for the crime of being old. As someone on the wrong side of their 20s, I find this notion offensive.
4. The Choosing Ceremony, “Divergent”
The Choosing Ceremony is great in theory — everybody heads to “The Hub” for a graduation of sorts, where of-age youngsters choose one of five factions in which to spend the rest of their lives. Fun! Such a lovely rite of passage!
But look. In practice, the Choosing Ceremony is actually the worst. What they don’t tell you is, if you choose a faction and don’t quite fit in, you cannot go home and are literally forced to be homeless. Also, especially in Dauntless, there’s a very good chance that you will die via jumping off a train mere minutes after the Ceremony takes place. No thanks, I’ll be in Amity sucking down some of that peace serum.
5. The May Day Celebration, “The Wicker Man” (1973)
The thing that really sucks about Summerisle’s May party is the human sacrifice part. Who needs that?
6. Yekaterina Bridge Day, “Snowpiercer”
The good thing about YBD is that you might get an egg, if you were smart enough to book a first or second class ticket on that crap train 17 years ago. But I’m not super into it as a whole, just because knowing me I would probably have skimped in third class and therefore be stuck with SPOILER ALERT eating bricks made of cockroaches and waste.
7. The Big Hunt, “The 10th Victim”
Yeaaahh, a combination of “The Hunger Games” and “The Purge” in which the hunters choose to partake in the televised death ritual? I don’t want to partake in or watch this. I’ll take “Big Brother” instead, thanks.