Police Are Now Arresting People For ‘Passive-Aggressive Watermelon Carving’

This is the juiciest crime story you'll read all summer.

An innocent watermelon was the victim of a brutal assault earlier this month, and a Connecticut has been taken into custody for the crime.

According to the Register Citizen, handyman Carmine Cervellino wound up in court for stabbing a woman’s watermelon in what police described as a “passive-aggressive” manner, after she reported him to the cops for having marijuana and pills in his toolbox.

It’s anyone’s guess what “passive-aggressive” watermelon-stabbing would actually look like; we’re picturing a guy furiously hacking at the fruit with a meat cleaver, saying, “Oh, of course I don’t mind cutting the watermelon. It’s fine that I have to cut the watermelon. I have nothing better to do today than CUT. [Chop.] THIS. [Chop.] STUPID. [Chop.] WATERMELON!”

Meanwhile, anyone who’s ever seen the classic mid-1990s family film “Mrs. Doubtfire” is probably shaking their head at this man’s amateurish shenanigans. Everybody knows that the best way to threaten someone with a watermelon is via run-by fruiting.