Everyone always praises the Muppets for how fun, funny, self-referential, and occasionally heartwarming they are. Which is great — we love positive qualities, we really, really do.
But no one (except for maybe weirdos) ever talks about how sexy these marionette puppet creatures are. I mean, come on — haven’t you ever wished for a partner who would sit and strum his banjo, singing “Rainbow Connection” to you by a pond all day long? Uh, no, us either.
Regardless, in honor of the 15th anniversary of “Muppets From Space,” which is currently making us feel very old, here are the 17 best Muppets, ranked in terms of sexiness:
17. Camilla the Chicken
If anthropomorphized chickens with false eyelashes are your thing, then Camilla is just the gal for you.
16. Dr. Teeth
An artist in every sense of the word, Teeth is the total package. He has a steady gig as the leader of the Muppets’ house band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem — which, you know, essentially makes him the Muppets version of Questlove — and he just never. Stops. Smiling. We’re hooked.
15. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
We love a man with brains, though Honeydew’s treatment of his assistant Beaker could be a little bit better. The inner intern in us all feels you, Beaks.
14. The Great Gonzo
Gonzo is at least the second-funniest — if not the funniest — Muppet (Rizzo the Rat gives him a great run for his money), even if we sometimes wish he’d be a little less self-deprecating, and embrace his fabulous alien self.
Everyone loves a drummer, and while we wouldn’t necessarily recommend Animal in terms of dating material — he’s a tad unpredictable, no? — he deserves a spot on this list for his cultural currency and his staring contest skillz.
So mysterious! And those sunglasses are just to die for.
11. Fozzie Bear
Fozzie is a pretty terrible comedian, but his sweet personality and unbreakable passion for his craft make him an easy sell.
10. Swedish Chef
Everyone loves a man who can cook (except for maybe chickens).
8 and 9. Statler and Waldorf
These guys are the curmudgeonly old theater-goers we all aspire to be. All we want to do in our advanced age is use matinee discount tickets at the movies and b–ch about what we see on screen, so they’re basically living the dream right now. Very hot.
This guy has gone through so much as the long-suffering assistant of Dr. Honeydew, but he somehow always maintains his cheerful disposition. We also never understand what he is saying, which is great for those of us who treasure the strong, silent-ish type.
He’s your everyday, boy next door, bring home to mom type of hot.
5. Sam the Eagle
He just has that whole Chevy driving, grill-operating, all-American Clint Eastwood vibe going on.
A hot rocker chick who plays lead guitar and can head bang like no other? We’re swooning.
3. Miss Piggy
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” is a quote made famous by Marilyn Monroe. But we also think it applies to Miss Piggy, who taught us at an early age that it’s more than okay to be a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it.
2. Rizzo The Rat
Long before the likes of Aziz Ansari and John Krasinski became famous for their reaction shots, Rizzo was there in the background — doing scene-stealing reaction shots. There’s nothing better than a guy or gal with a sense of humor, and the scene-stealing Rizzo has that in droves. Rizzo wasn’t even meant to be a major part of Muppet family, but his background work with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was so hilarious that it led to starring roles in “Muppet Treasure Island” and “A Muppet Christmas Carol,” among others. We can’t imagine a Muppet universe without him.
1. Kermit The Frog
Look, you don’t mess with perfection. Kermit is honest, brave, kind, and a natural-born leader, which makes him the perfect choice to head up this massive franchise. He’s also a stellar musician, which is obviously a plus for all you single amphibians out there.