7 Guys Who’ll Make You Terrified Of Plastic Surgery

750,000 men get cosmetic procedures each year. Not every operation is a beautiful success story.

It’s beach season, and dudes are out there trying to look as alpha as possible on the boardwalk — but that doesn’t mean you should reverse-Pinocchio yourself into a human toy just to compete with the biggest, best-looking guys on the pontoon boat this summer. (Also: Don’t spend over $100,000 to look like Bieber, OK?)

If you must change your body, do it naturally at the gym — uh, y’know, like Carrot Top. Otherwise you might end up like these experiments of science…

1. The Guy Who’s A “Human Ken Doll”

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Proudly calling himself “The Human Ken Doll,” Justin Jedlica has undergone 149 cosmetic procedures to look like a Mattel toy. You’ve gotta give it to him: He’s got the look down (especially the hair, which shines gloriously). But the real problem with chasing the “Ken doll” dream is that it leads, inevitably, to the removal of your genitals.

2. The Guy Whose Man-Boobs Can Dance

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We hate to dredge this guy up after Brazil received such a shameful shellacking last Tuesday, but the Brazilian bodybuilder known online as “Synthol Man” (who reportedly claims that his body is natural) makes us appreciate a leaner physique.

If you do get muscle implants or injections, they’ll look weird, like you’re smuggling mangoes, subcutaneously. Oh yeah, and this might happen…

3. The Guy Whose Man-Boob EXPLODED From Bacteria

TLC

“Hairdresser Brett” made headlines a few months ago, because one of his fake breasts had to be removed. The story went like this: His marriage ended four years ago; he wanted a confidence boost, so he got pectoral implants; one of the implants got extremely infected; now he’s a walking before-and-after photo.

“In a way, it looks like I have two different bodies joined together,” he told a TLC reality series. “There’s no other word than freaky, or feeling like a freak that something’s gone wrong with you. … I was stupid to have the surgery done in the first place when there was really nothing wrong with my body to start with.”

4. The Guy Whose Calf Implants Are The Size Of A Cow

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Furious Pete is a Canadian fitness guru, competitive eater and vlogger. He started eating competitively in 2007, five years after being hospitalized for anorexia (impressive turnaround, huh?). Furious Pete is aware that his implants look strange, and wishes that he had never gotten the surgery. You know muscle implants are bad if a guy that once ate 15 hamburgers in 10 minutes regrets putting them into his body. (Update: OK, this one might be fake, but we’ll leave it up here for being so disturbing regardless.)

5. The First Guy Who Ever Got Plastic Surgery

Wikipedia

In 1916, Walter Yeo’s eyelids were blown off during a World War I naval battle. Unlike the other guys on this list, Yeo had a serious cosmetic problem caused by an injury, making his choice much more honorable. That’s why it’s such a shame that the doctors poked two holes in a Fruit Roll-up and glued it to his face.

6. The Guys Who Made It A Family Activity

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Meet the brothers Igor and Grichka Bogdanoff. They “starred in ’80s French sci-fi shows.” We’re guessing they’ll play the Joker and his twin brother in “Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice.”

BONUS: Abobo

Sprite Database

Abobo is a fictional character from the 8-bit Nintendo game “Double Dragon,” but he’s obviously had work done. Just look at him. You don’t get biceps like that without synthol injections. Sure, he’s got an impressive physique, but he’s irritable, violent, and hideously pixilated.

Will Garré is a comedian and writer in NYC.
@wgarre