7 Things To Have A Summer Fling With

If that romance with the cute neighbor isn't working out, try buying some happiness.

The long days and hot nights of summer are the perfect time for some steamy action with a sun tanned hottie. If that’s not working out for you, however, make the most of the season by jumping into a whirlwind romance with one of these pretty young (and inanimate) things.

7-11′s Doritos Loaded

Doritos Loaded Photo By Tess Barker

They may not be the kind of food you’d take home to your mother, but these sassy deep fried artificial cheese squares are the perfect date for those nights when you want to throw caution (and possibly a fart or two) to the wind.

Enduracool Towel

For weeks, you’ve been intrigued by the star-studded, yet poorly produced commercial. Give into temptation and enjoy this adorable glorified dish towel and its sweet embrace around your neck until both of you realize where that mildewy smell is coming from and admit that all good things must come to an end.

Surfboard

You’ve fantasized endlessly about it: the salt in your hair, the sound of a monstrous wave breaking as you glide through it. Now, man up, buy a board and learn how to stand up on it before autumn comes and you make the painful admission that this s*** is harder than it looks.

Giant Blowup Chair

Few things spell romantic bliss like spending endless hours cuddled up with a voluptuous piece of furniture. Whether it’s finally watching all seven seasons of “The Shield” or pulling an all-nighter on your X-Box, this beauty is there to support all of your sedentary interests…unless you’re a stupid goat.

Sea-Doo

Sure, it’s nice to spend time with an intelligent object, but your books and newspapers can wait til fall. It’s the season for recklessness, and what you want is a wild, loud, pulsing piece of machinery between your legs.

Guitar

It may leave you calloused and discouraged, but for a few brief months you’ll be on cloud nine, drunk with the illusion that anyone wants to hear your busted rendition of “Come As You Are.”

Vitamix

Vitamix Flickr: vasile23

Don’t be fooled by your initial infatuation with this no-nonsense blender. It may promise years of healthy smoothies and freshly blended kale, but before you know it, you’ll grow tired of its high maintenance antics, so enjoy your romance with roughage while it lasts.

Tess Barker is a stand up comic and co-host of the Lady to Lady podcast.