Potato Salad Kickstarter Raises Over $50,000, So Here’s How To Spend Those Taters

Taters on taters on taters.

So we’ve all had a laugh and an eyeroll about that potato salad Kickstarter by now, yes? (Perhaps more of the latter than the former for some of us.) His initial goal of amassing 10 whole dollars has resulted in an Internet frenzy that’s netted Zack “Danger” Brown over $50,000 as of the writing of this post.

…That’s a lot of freaking potatoes.

Fortunately, Brown has a better head on his shoulders than we’d anticipated. While part of us couldn’t help but despair at the fervency the Internet applied to this faux-cause compared to its efforts to help real, honest-to-goodness effective ones, Brown’s commitment to “do[ing] the most good” has instilled in us a bit of hope.

During an interview with ABC’s “Good Morning America,” Brown commented that though Kickstarter’s Terms of Service strictly prohibit him giving the money directly to charity, he’s open to ideas.

Embedded from abcnews.go.com.

And, well, ideas have we got for him! Because that $50,000 can buy a lot of potatoes, sir. In fact, according to our calculations, Brown can buy over 121,212 potatoes. That’s a lot of tater salad, y’all!

Now, if we go by the numbers alone (still can’t believe I did math for this, you guys. MATH!) there’s no way — with all that mayo and creamy, delicious goodness going on — that the potatoes would even last for how long it takes to make 122,000 servings of salad. In fact it feels egregious to make $50,000 worth of the stuff.

So we’ve devised a plan as to how Brown can handle his influx of tubers to do the most good for the maximum amount of people. Let’s say 22,000 people show up for your salad party — that still leaves 100,000 potatoes left to do something with: lucky for you we’ve got some suggestions on how to allocate all that starchy goodness, Brown.

Make 400 Servings Of Potato Salad For The 4 Local Soup Kitchens in Columbus, Ohio
Alright, sure: you said you were going to make some potato salad, so go make some potato salad. Share it with your friends and the whole of the Internet that you invited to the feeding frenzy. But you should also help out those less fortunate than you in your hometown of Columbus. (This works markedly more feasible if you’re going to German route in terms of potato prep.)

Send 228 Servings Of Homemade Potato Chips To The 126 Homeless Assistance Facilities in Cleveland, Ohio
Hey, listen: we know they’re not the healthiest option, but chips keep pretty well when put in airtight containers — more so than most potato-based dishes — so it’s better than nothing, alright?

Take 20,000 Potatoes And Start A Potato Farm In Detroit
Do you know how many people you can feed with a single potato? Lots. Because if you take that potato, cut it up into smaller pieces (say, 6 pieces per) and 1 – 2 days after, throw them in a shaded part of the ground and: ta-da! You’re growing potatoes! Considering Ohio’s proximity to Detroit, Michigan — one of the nation’s poorest cities — the donation could do a lot of good.

Sell 40,000 Of Those Potatoes, Make $13,200 Dollars, And Give Seed Money To A Farm
Farms take upkeep, don’t they? $13,200 should be a solid enough amount to get the whole thing started.

Donate 2,000 Potatoes To Local Science Classrooms
You know what? Potatoes aren’t just for eating — sometimes you can even use them to make batteries, clocks, and the like when you’re in a science class. And you know what’s severely underfunded? Schools. So give back to those that taught you in the first place.

Shred The Remaining 38,000 Potatoes And Host A Tater Tot Competition! Give All The Proceeds To Charity
You know what people love to death? A good ol’ fashioned tot. Why not amass a group of expert local chefs to create the most mind-bogglingly good tots and sell tickets to the Tot-Off? With the money raised (we’d suggest $20 per person for unlimited tot-tasting), you’re sure to have a good enough chunk of change to really make a difference.

Take Those 1,840 Pounds Of Leftover Potato Peels And Turn Them Into Energy (Fuel-Grade Ethanol)!
Clean energy! Look at that — a way to propel us all forward, literally and figuratively speaking.

…And we bet you’ll still have a potato or two leftover for some sweet, sweet, celebratory fries, sir. It’s a win-win all around!

Too much exuberance for one person.