And in cupcake-related travesties, Crumbs Bake Shop is closing up all of its stores. With locations in 12 states, the New York City-based company just wanted to spread peace, love, and diabetes-inducing, holiday-themed, ostrich egg-sized cupcakes across the country, but no more. This is why we can’t have nice things, America. This is why we can’t have nice things.
As a regular partaker in Crumbs cupcakes (shout-out to our monthly, cupcake-fueled birthday parties!), I feel very personally victimized by this loss. Who will I turn to next St. Patrick’s Day when all I crave is a double-fistful o’ green cupcake with an edible leprechaun hat? Where will I find a bakery that will serve me a cupcake topped with a full-size Cannoli and claim, in good conscience, that it’s still one dessert? Let’s survey the pros and cons of our remaining cupcake resources.
1.) Homemade cupcakes (if you are Ina Garten)
Pros: You are Ina Garten.
Cons: THERE ARE NO CONS.
2.) Homemade cupcakes (if you are not Ina Garten)
Pros: You don’t have to wear pants.
Cons: This is probably you in the kitchen.
3.) Georgetown Cupcakes
Pros: They’re so small that even those couple of stink-eyed, juice-cleansing husks of former coworkers in your office can’t judge you for eating one.
Cons: When you realize how many you’d have to eat in order to equal the frosting-slathered satisfaction of one Crumbs cupcake.
4.) Magnolia Bakery
Pros: There are approximately 7-million delicious units of butter per cubic millimeter.
Cons: You have to endure the hordes of “Sex And The City” fans, each one claiming that they’re “a total Carrie.”
5.) Hostess CupCakes
Pros: They’re cheap! They’re easy to find! They’re filled with cream and nostalgia and child-like wonderment!
Cons: They’re still not Crumbs.
6.) Why don’t you just give up cupcakes entirely?
Guess we haven’t found a suitable replacement for Crumbs. Our search continues…