TV

‘True Blood’: THAT Sex Scene, And Every Other Crazy Moment From ‘I Found You’

Close your eyes, Eric fans...

Well, it’s officially happened. On June 29, “True Blood” aired a scene that was so intrinsically “True Blood” in its very nature that “True Blood” itself, as we’ve always known it, ceased to exist.

… Or something. I might have hyperbolized that one a bit. But still, having Eric (who is back, but with a twist) and Jason (who never left!) “hook up” for literally no reason at all other than to please the show’s rabid, slash-hungry fan base was a big move, in that it (along with the death of the decidedly not fan-favorite Tara last week) proved that the show is definitely hoping to give fans what they want for its final season, even if what they want defies all logic and reason. Anyway, let’s sink our fangs into “I Found You,” and what not:

The Award For “Most ‘True Blood’ Thing To Ever Happen” Goes To…
… the imaginary sex scene between Jason and Eric, in which we learned that Eric is still alive (since I think the vamps have to be alive for the passionate sex dreams to happen) and also a bottom, at least when it comes to Jason Stackhouse. I mean, nothing that happened here was real — we’ve seen many of these scenes play out over the years on “True Blood” and knew right away that this would be no different — but it’s still, undoubtedly, going to be a fan-favorite moment when looking back on this show. Well done, HBO.

Sookie Versus Logic And Reason

HBO

Meanwhile, over in reality-land, Sookie and her human (and werewolf, and shape-shifter) friends chased their first real lead regarding Arlene, Holly, and Nicole’s whereabouts. Sadly, this lead was the body of a young, 20-something girl, and Sook had a full-blown existential crisis when she finally realized that life is chaos and there is (in Bon Temps, anyway) no god.

Sookie, Jason, Andy, Alcide, and Sam followed the girl to the address listed on her driver’s license, and received the shock of a lifetime when her entire town was deserted, completely ravaged by vampires. “FEMA HELP US,” said a foreboding message written on Main Street. At least this solved the mystery as to why nobody in the government, here or elsewhere, was picking up Mayor Sam’s calls?

The gang then visited the girl’s house and poked around her stuff, and things quickly got reallll awkward when Sookie emotionally read the girl’s diary (which cleverly updated us on the show’s confusing timeline — in “True Blood” land, it’s still 2011). Sook was nearly in tears as she read the (straight out of an Anne Rice novel) tale of a young woman falling in love with a tall, dark and handsome vampire — right in front of Alcide. Think you could have saved that one for after your non-vampire boyfriend left the room, Sook? No? Yeah, it’s pretty safe to say that Sookie and Alcide will not be a thing by the time this season is over, even though he kindly told her, “you fell for him heard and fast, all that makes you is human,” when she was still suffering on the drive home.

The one good thing that came out of this was the solid lead that Arlene, Holly, and Nicole were at Fangtasia, though by the time they figured this out it was nearly dark, so they had to go home. I’d like to think that, if they were watching the same footage of Arlene that we were, they’d maybe get over it and go anyway. Cause s— at Fangtasia is rough.

Oh, and also, Sookie is planning some “serious s—” that apparently involves Bill, but we’re not allowed to know what that is yet.

Arlene Versus Hep-V
Surprise surprise, my favorite moments in the episode mostly came from the phenomenal Carrie Preston, as Arlene. Arlene, Holly, and Sam’s very preggo girlfriend Nicole were still trapped in the basement of Fangtasia with some other unfortunate randos, who (of course) were quickly selected to be eaten by the Hep-V infected vamps.

Since Andy and Bill and everyone else in their lives currently suck at finding things, it’s a good thing the show finally realized what a BAMF Arlene is. Our favorite ginge (and Holly) realized that the vampire in charge of picking out their food for the night was their kids’ former teacher, so Arlene (and Holly) summoned up all of the bravery she had left, tugging at the woman’s emotional heartstrings and negotiating a deal that should have gotten them out of there. Only problem was, Mrs. Teacher had to feed a bit on one of them for her strength if she was going to help them run for it, and when she chose Arlene, it quickly became apparent that Mrs. Bellefleur’s blood is toxic to the Hep-V infected vamps — Mrs. Teacher is dead! Umm, let’s hope Andy and co. pick up the pace a little, yes?

Lettie May Versus Her Demons
In what I’m sure is everyone else’s favorite plot line too, Lettie May — after insulting Lafayette for a bit — burnt her own hand and presented it to Willa to prove that she needed more V. Willa believed her, and this led to a creepy vision of Tara on a cross with a snake, muttering some (probably Biblical) nonsense. Sigh. Moving on.

Adilyn And Jessica Versus Some Rednecks

Tony Rivetti/HBO

Humans, EmIRight?

“True Blood” has always had a contentious relationship with the humans of Bon Temps who don’t have the last name Stackhouse or Bellefleur, but never have they been so terrible as right freaking now. It’s a well-tread fantasy trope that the petty squabbles of man take front and center while real, supernatural evil lurks menacingly in the background, because mankind is stupid and what not, but man are these guys just the worst. Like, would anyone even care if the show ended with the human race completely dying out?

Anyway, Sam got everyone — Adilyn and Holly’s son Wade included — on Bellefleur’s cleanup duty the day after the attack, but the mood quickly soured when they all started talking about their “Dog-Bear” mayor, their supe-loving sheriff, and the preaching telepath who has an influence over both of them. The group collectively decided that they couldn’t trust anything supe-related, so they headed over to the sheriff’s department to steal the town’s gun supply. “We’re here for the guns that are part of our second amendment right to not get f—ed over by the government!” (Everything that happened over in ghost town St. Elyse makes that statement sound kind of valid, but these people are all just so cartoonishly inept that the idea of them holding firearms is terrifying.)

Adilyn actually proved that she has some grit when she publicly defended her father, but accidentally using her fairy mojo just made the mob turn on her, instead. Her fear woke up Jessica, but since it was daylight and Sookie wasn’t answering her phone, ginger vamp couldn’t really get anything done — until Andy got home, which briefly had me terrified that Jess was going to be our next casualty. She wasn’t, and instead, it looks like Andy might finally got over his (justified) crap and go to work with her.

Oh Hey, She Found Him!… And He’s Dying
You guys. You guys! He’s alive! On “Game of Thrones,” fire cannot kill the dragon, but over on “True Blood,” it’s more like fire cannot kill the viking.

… Or can you? In the episode’s closing moments, Pam finally found Eric in some mansion out in France. We don’t know why he was there or chose to hide out for so long, but something was clearly going on with him — he refused to feed on some pissed off lady that was there to serve him. “You found me,” he turned and said to Pam, in what ended up being the first and last words muttered in the episode (as well as its title)…

…but wait a minute, was that… holy crap guys, Eric has Hep V! Commence the freaking out… now!

What did you think of the episode, Trubies? Any theories on what the hell they’ll do with Eric? Thoughts on that sex scene? Let us know in the comments!

A real go-getter.
@ShaunnaLMurphy