Additional reporting by Rebecca Thomas and Rob Markman.
Oh my god. It’s real. It’s happening. Beyoncé and Jay Z – the celebrity power couple to end all celebrity power couples, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till conscious uncoupling do them part — kick off their much-hyped On The Run Tour on Wednesday (June 25) at Miami, Florida’s Sun Life Stadium, and I for one could not be more thrilled for Jayoncé’s joint stadium tour.
Do you hear that? That’s the sound of my heart beating to the rhythm of the horn section in “Upgrade U” — that’s how excited I am. Or maybe it’s just a murmur. I’ll let you know what the doctor says.
Since I can’t fast-forward to tomorrow night because time travel is, last I checked, still impossible, here’s a rundown of everything I would like to, nay, DEMAND to see at the On The Run Tour kickoff, from dream setlists to surprise celebrity cameos.
Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments below. And please, use your inside voice.
1. The ultimate Jayoncé setlist
It goes without saying that the centerpiece of the On The Run Tour setlist are going to be the performances where Jay and Bey share the stage. Obvious contenders for these slots on the setlist include “Drunk In Love,” tour namesake “Part II (On The Run),” “03 Bonnie & Clyde,” and “Crazy In Love,” but I’ll still be holding my breath for “Upgrade U” or even the totally underrated “Déjà Vu.”
As much as I love that post-Farrah Franklin Destiny’s Child medley Beyoncé whips out some variation of on nearly every tour, I wouldn’t be mad if she left it out of the tour setlist. If we’re going to hear DC jams, I’d rather she does something more creative, like mashing one of ‘em up with a contemporaneous track of Jay’s — like “Bills Bills Bills” with “Can I Get A,” or something.
As for both of the artists’ individual sets, Beyoncé can literally play anything off of that surprise album she personally victimized us with in 2013. (Even “Heaven.” My tears, take them.) If she has to narrow it down, though, I’d settle for “Pretty Hurts,” “Ghost”/“Haunted,” “Yonce”/“Partition,” “XO,” “***Flawless,” and “Grown Woman.”
As for Hov, I hope he pulls “Holy Grail,” “Picasso Baby,” and “Tom Ford” off of Magna Carta… Holy Grail. And it’d be so cool if he reached way back to 1996 to perform “Can’t Knock The Hustle” with Bey covering Mary J. Blige’s original hook, recreating their performance at the Reasonable Doubt 10th-anniversary show at Radio City Music Hall in 2006. Same goes for “Empire State Of Mind,” with Beyoncé subbing in for Alicia Keys.
2. Surprise cameos
Considering how the On The Run Tour is kicking off in Miami, Jay Z has just got to bring out hometown hero Rick Ross for “F–kWithMeYouKnowIGotIt,” right? I seriously don’t even want to live in the world where he doesn’t.
I’d also love to see li’l bb Blue Ivy for a quick sec, too, but I guess the concert won’t start until after her bedtime. While we’re on the subject of Knowles-Carter family reunions, am I wrong for wanting to see Solange in the front row of the Sun Life Stadium?
Yes. The answer is yes.
3. The “f–ked up” Warhol from “Drunk In Love”
4. What’s Drake’s is mine.
You know how Drake features on the highly personally, sonically sparse “Mine” off of Beyoncé’s fifth studio album? How amazing would it be if Jay covered his verses, perhaps even rewriting some of the lyrics as a response to Drake’s comments in Rolling Stone about how “Hov can’t drop bars these days without at least four art references”?
But, what could the 44-year-old rapper have left to say to Drizzy following those disses on “They Don’t Love You No More” and “We Made It”? I don’t know, maybe something about lacrosse? Nope, he already did that. It’s OK, Jay, we can workshop it before tomorrow night…
5. Approximately 17,000 fans
6. LET US IN.
Seeing as how the members of the Knowles-Carter royal family keep their personal lives at a notorious distance from the public, I’d love it if they’d play some home movies during any video interstitials. It wouldn’t be the first time — remember Bey’s wedding dress reveal?
7. “On The Run” parts 3, 4, 5, 6…
Speaking of tour interstitials, if there is a God, then we will get served even more scenes from that fake “On The Run” trailer, which also starred Blake Lively, Don Cheadle, Rashida and Kidada Jones, Sean Penn, Jake Gyllenhaal, Emmy Rossum, and Guillermo Díaz.
Oh wait, there is a God, and her name is Beyoncé. Guess we’re getting more “On The Run” footage?
8. Two words: trained bees
9. Nothing but love
The last few months haven’t been the most ***flawless of times for the Knowles-Carter family, what with that elevator fight video surfacing and all. Both Beyoncé and Jay Z will no doubt use Wednesday night’s tour kickoff as a chance to prove just how strong their bond is, not only to one another but to their fans as well.
This is all a long-winded, overly sentimental way of saying that when Bey launches into “XO,” I better be all 48,000 pairs of arms in Miami’s Sun Life Stadium forming those letters along with her.