It's here! It's finally here!
It's been eleven months since we've watched a new episode of "Orange is the New Black" — though it may be more recent for some of you, due to the whole word of mouth thing — so please understand why we're foaming at the mouth for the midnight, June 6 release of Season 2. Last season ended with a major cliffhanger that will surely be answered in the premiere, but we have nine other, burning brighter than Red's hair questions that must be addressed. The people demand answers!
1. Will Piper pay the price?
Okay, so everyone knows by now that Taryn Manning AKA Pennsatucky has been bumped up to regular status for Season 2, so she's not dead. Also, if she was dead, Piper would be spending way more than a year and a half in prison.
Still, there's no denying that Piper's beatdown will have serious consequences. We saw what mere hours in the SHU did to Dandelion last year, so we're thinking we might see a changed woman when she gets back. Will she go bananas? Will Larry try to intervene? Will that wide-eyed naivete finally go away? Will Pennsatucky get some new teeth? So many questions!
2. What will happen to Alex?
It's been confirmed that Laura Prepon is in only in a handful of the new episodes, and we know that Alex is eons away from her release date. What is she going to do to get herself out of the picture? Sky's the limit with this one.
3. What did Red do to land in Litchfield?
We've seen or heard about pretty much every major character's crime except for Red's at this point. It probably has something to do with smuggling and Russian gangsters, but that's about all we know. More, please.
4. What will Daya do with her baby/messed up life in general?
This is a real toughie. Bennett acted like an ass when he heard about that horrible, humiliating, and degrading thing Daya did (sleep with Mendez in order to frame him), and now Daya has the added stress of Mendez being completely in love with her. We saw what happened to that poor woman who gave birth in Litchfield last year, and we certainly don't want that for our Daya — but there doesn't seem to be any way around it at this point. Even if Bennett does come around and is down with raising the child until Daya gets out, it would cost him his job and maybe put him in the slammer.
5. What's the deal with Crazy Eyes?
Besides being generally awesome, that is. We've never seen her back story, but it's been revealed that we'll see some of it this season. How did this wholesome, intelligent girl with loving parents end up in prison? Inquiring minds want to know.
6. What happened to Miss Claudette?
Michelle Hurst, the actress who played the dynamic but tragic Miss Claudette in Season 1, was in a car accident over the 2013 holidays. She was in a coma for 16 days and is now recovering, but we're not so sure that we would have seen her anyway — you know, since she was carted off to maximum security after she choked CO Fischer when her appeal was denied. Still, we can't deal with the fact that we'll never hear more of her story, which was one of our favorite heartbreakers in the original series. Maybe she'll call?
7. Did Larry binge-watch the crap out of 'Mad Men' after the breakup?
He probably did. Jerk. Actually, scratch that — there's at least a 99 percent chance we'd do the same thing.
8. Will Fig, Healy, or Mendez get their comeuppance?
Between embezzlement, blatant sexism and homophobia, and just general awfulness, one of these three has to finally pay for their crimes, right?
9. Who or what is that chicken?
Trick question. No one can ever know. Therein lies the magic!