In the realm of ice and fire, only the sharpest tools in the shed survive — or, at least last a little bit longer than their more noble counterparts (cough cough the Starks cough). All men must die, after all, valar morghulis to that!
With a neverending cavalcade of characters entering and exiting the Realm of “Game of Thrones,” our pop culture obsessed mind got to thinking: which of our favorite characters, celebrities, and the like would live in Westeros and Essos?
And then we thought better still: which of these characters would not only not-die, but thrive?
From imaginary cartoons to IRL humans, we’ve figured out a couple of folks we think would totally own the George R.R. Martin saga with their creativity, cunning wit, and general badassitude. And should you need to be warned, let it be known: this post contains minor spoilers, so don’t say we didn’t warn you, spoilerphobes.
Now sure, on first glance you’d say: “But wait: Leslie Knope does everything! She’s a master of government politics and making-it-work and doing the right thing! Wouldn’t she be the better choice?” But then you’d remember that this is Westeros and that sort of noble behavior would get Knope Ned Stark’d in no time flat. Amy, on the other hand, gets stuff done and doesn’t take crap from anyone. She’s a true Targaryen if we’ve ever seen one.
Now at first glance you might assume that his skillset as a rapper would do him well as a traveling singer (there are many of those across the Realm), but we think that 2 Chainz’s skills in the kitchen are actually what would serve him best, Hot Pie style.
Admit it: you know Don and Betty’s offspring could make an excellent Lannister, giving Cersei a run for her money on the manipulation front, quickly becoming Tywin’s favorite. But we think, given her tenacious attitude, she’d be quick to run for the hills with her BFF, Arya Stark.
Donna Meagle (Or Retta)
Considering all of her Twitter know-how and social media hook-ups, there’s no way that Retta and/or her “Parks and Recreation” counterpart Donna Meagle wouldn’t do spectacularly well in Westeros. We daresay our fair Master of Whispers, Varys, would become a bit of a mentor to her.
We know, we know: he’s not famous anymore. We get it. But that sort of obsessive weirdness and erratic, you-never-know-what-to-expectness would make him the sort of Wildling prince that even Mance Rayder would respect. Or, y’know, at least keep around. No doubt his off-the-wall behavior and obsessive passion would inspire more than a few of the freefolk to scale a 700 foot sheet of ice.
Adam from “Girls”
This one’s a bit specific: season one Adam from “Girls” would do really well riding alongside Roose Bolton. Heck, he’d probably get along gangbusters with Ramsay Snow, too: that is until Roose took a liking to Adam over his bastard boy. Then it’d be a battle for the honor of being named the biggest deviant in all the land. C’mon kid.
FIERCEST QUEEN OF THE WHITE WALKERS NO QUESTION THE END.
James Franco’s Interpretation of Hugh Hefner from “Lovelace”
Littlefinger, given his recent ascent to power, would do well to have a series of influential henchmen who are just as scrappy as he. Enter: James Franco-as-Hugh-Hefner-in-”Lovelace.” These two wouldn’t have a problem with dealing in shady doings to get what they want.
The Cat in the Hat
Drogon, Rhaegal, and Viserion are — let’s admit it — total bullies. Airborne teenagers with an ability to light shit on fire? Dan-ger-ous. However, we know every good bully needs an equally-as-evil minion to do its bidding. Enter: The Cat in the Hat. The guy likes to cause trouble.
Have any other picks? Let’s hear ‘em in the comments.