Do you need a break from the drama of HBO’s “Game of Thrones“? Neither do we, and the fact that there’s no new episode this week feels like a cruel and unusual form of torture which we are not entirely sure we’ll survive.
But with the show on hiatus until June 1, there’s no choice to be had: we must find a way to cope. And so, during this long and terrible week-and-a-bit before “The Mountain and the Viper” airs, we’ve come up with a list of activities with which devoted fans can busy themselves.
1. Build your own Winterfell replica out of hamburgers. Slap the everloving business out of the tiny entitled monster who destroys it.
2. Teach your dog to unleash hell on the command, “Dracarys.”
3. Rename your cat “Ser Pounce” and declare him your household’s official feline cockblocker.
4. Practice swordplay.
5. Practice swordplay with your other hand.
6. Burn a replica of Daenerys Targaryen’s blue-leggings-with-breeches traveling outfit as a sacrifice to the Fashion Gods, while praying it never returns. (When you take what is yours with fire and blood, you need to also occasionally wash what is yours with water and detergent, dragon lady.)
7. At your Memorial Day barbecue, serve your guests a large sausage in a small wooden box. Call it the Theon Greyjoy Special. Gleefully threaten to flay everyone who doesn’t want to eat it.
8. Attending a wedding this weeknd? Wear chain mail under your formal wear, and tip the band $10 to play “The Rains of Castamere.” (+10,000 bonus points for doing this if you’re the father of the bride.)
9. Pick a fight with a family member and demand trial by combat.
10. Read “A Dance with Dragons.”
11. Okay: Read, like, one sixteenth of “A Dance with Dragons.”
12. Give bad-ass names (like “Needle” and “Oathkeeper”) to all of the knives in your house. When you run out of knives, start on the forks.
13. Write a multi-thousand-word fan letter to George R. R. Martin’s hat.
14. Appoint yourself official bookie in the “Game of Thrones” finale death pool.
16. Rewatch the Purple Wedding. Again. Laugh and dance with glee like a deranged lunatic. Again.
18. Watch the supercut of Tyrion Lannister’s best one-liners until you feel hopelessly dim-witted and inadequate.
19. Watch the 10-minute YouTube remix of Tyrion slapping Joffrey until you feel uncomfortably aroused.
20. Run through your neighborhood with a pair of garden shears, snipping the collars off every pet you see. Tell the pets they are free. Tell them to kill their masters. Tell them that you are their new mother.
21. Attempt to explain to local police why you are leading an army of recently-kidnapped animals through the streets.
22. Spend the night in jail.
23. Inform the judge at your arraignment that one day, his joy will turn to ashes in his mouth, and he will know the debt is paid.
24. Spend several more nights in jail.
25. When your noble manservant comes to bail you out, realize that it is June 2nd and you inadvertently missed the next “Game of Thrones” episode.
26. Drown forever in a sea of tears.
“Game of Thrones” returns with “The Mountain and the Viper” on June 1.