Hey, Zayn Malik! What’s up?
I mean, can you even?! No, you cannot.
But, wait — there’s more! Another MTV Directioner WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED BECAUSE #GRUMPY made the specious claim that Liam Payne is, in fact, 1D’s finest offering.
Here, hop under the covers with me so that we can giggle together as platonic acquaintances are wont to do.
Now, STOP LAUGHING.
That means that there are people in this world — LE EARTH, as the French say — who don’t understand that you are, in fact, the most perfect part of One Direction. This is a very serious wrong that must be righted.
Oh, how can I put this in terms you’ll understand. Hmmmmm… I know! It’s like dancing all night to a song that’s only pretty OK. It’s like commanding someone to get out of your head, only to have them fall into the arms of another instead. It’s like having a perfectly sensible number of people in the Addison Lee.
You get how serious this is now?
Good, because it’s our moral duty to remind them of your perfect hair…
Your adorable, yet uncanny, resemblance to a cat…
And your penchant for starring in vaguely homoerotic GIF-bait!
That’s obviously a plus.
Putting your obviously flaw-free physical attributes aside for a moment, I’m oddly comforted by the fact that you’re already taken.
For all I know, Harry, Liam, Niall and Louis might very well end up with one of those jerks from middle school who made my life a living hell, teasing me, taunting me — I’M NOT JOSIE GROSSIE ANYMORE.
Sorry, Zayn, I guess that I got caught up in the moment there for a second. But, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Just keep calm, and continue being the absolute best member of One Direction.
There we go.