For the men of the world, Indiana Jones is a double-edged sword. The archeologist-slash-badass is the model of manhood we all aspire to, but he’s also an impossible ideal. This is the reason the world has so many unfortunate fedoras.
That’s what Justin Bieber learned today.
Earlier, the pop star shared a photo to his Instagram with the caption “Is that young Indiana. #skintightpants #igottachill.”
Having examined the picture closely, I can confirm that this isn’t, in fact, a picture of young Indiana Jones (it’s not even Sean Patrick Flanery), but just a snapshot of Bieber on a tiny pony.
Assuming the singer hasn’t recently taken up humility as a hobby, I’m going to take the comparison as an earnest one. In that case, we have a few things to talk about because one should never invoke the name of Indiana Jones without the goods to back it up.
(I know that the hashtag #skintightpants could suggest that the comparison was made tongue in cheek, but I don’t joke about Indiana Jones.)
So what’s wrong here? Let’s start at the top.
Bieber’s hat is a porkpie. Indiana Jones bravado requires a true fedora, but one that’s suited to the wearer’s head. Big fedoras make everyone look bad.
Indiana Jones wears one kind of shoe, and it’s not whatever Bieber has on. Alden is an American institution, appropriate for a true American hero.
Ah, yes. The “#skintightpants” need to go. An explorer needs something that he can run away from boulders in, something that breathe.
So while Bieber may have been pretty far off target for this Indy attempt, with a little refinement, he can be cracking a whip in no time.