9 Things We Demand To See At Lady Gaga’s ‘ARTPOP’ Tour Kickoff

Will our list of artRave: The ARTPOP Ball Tour demands be met?
@ladygaga

If you’re not hitchhiking your way down to Florida right at this very second, then I just don’t even know where to begin with fixing your life. Why? Because Lady Gaga’s artRave: The ARTPOP Ball Tour kicks off this Sunday night in Fort Lauderdale, and there’s literally not that much else that matters at the moment, TBQH.

Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t even go here, but I just have a lot of feelings about the “G.U.Y.” singer’s imminent, globe-trotting set. I’m sure you do, too, yeah?

Why don’t we channel them into some kind of productive activity, like stripping naked and screaming about the Illuminati at the nearest intersection? Wait, I mean making a list of everything I hope to see at Gaga’s concert kickoff on May 4. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments, and let me know if my rundown is YAAAS or NOT YAAAS.

1.) Deep cuts, plz!

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I’m totally not knocking “Applause” or “Do What U Want,” but can we finally get some live performances of ARTPOP’s deep cuts? Namely, “Mary Jane Holland,” but I also would NOT be mad at some “Jewels n’ Drugs” revival. Oh! And the nearly forgotten “Brooklyn Nights,” duh.

2.) No, deeper!

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Actually, I feel like Gaga’s show wouldn’t be complete without mining her back catalog for every era’s hidden gems. She did whip out Born This Way fan-favorite “Black Jesus + Amen Fashion” at her Roseland Ballroom shows, but, like, I wanna lose my voice for days shout-singing along to “Summerboy.”

3.) What’s wrong with you? DEEPER.

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Lady Starlight, Gaga’s musical collaborator from her pre-fame days, is going to be the opening act, so if they don’t reunite for a round of “Blueberry Kisses,” then I’m just gonna rage-vomit pastel-dyed milk EVERYWHERE. Ya been warned.

4.) ARTPOP… Use it in a sentence?

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As Lady Gaga says in ARTPOP’s title track: “My ARTPOP could mean anything.” But, um, am I the only one who might like a clearer definition? Like, what if we’ve been wrong this whole time, and “ARTPOP” is actually just limited to 19th-century paintings of pioneers fording rivers?

5.) MOAR ARTPOP, PLZ

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Speaking of which, I feel all but entitled to new details on Gaga’s long-hinted-at sequel to her third studio album. Perhaps she’s been waiting for the chance to sidestep the media and reveal the news directly to her fans?

6.) The artist better be present.

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Hopefully, I’m not being too demanding (LOL DGAF), but is it too much to ask for Marina Abramović to show up? MEDITATING NAKED ON CRYSTALS IN UPSTATE NEW YORK CAN WAIT. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of surprise cameos, how about puppy Asia (a.k.a. BATPIG) and boyfriend/star of the world’s collective sexxx dreams Taylor Kinney?

7.) Strict artRave dress code

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Wear whatever you want, obviously, but I’d be a little bummed if the majority of you concertgoers weren’t decked head-to-toe in Aphrodite lady seashell bikinis, terrifyingly “Dope” grills, and some insane footwear that makes me question how you’re even, like, upright.

8.) Drowning in tears

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You know how Gaga has a habit of pausing her shows to share some inspiring words with her fans in the audience? I expect — nay, DEMAND to be weeping by night’s end.

9.) And about 374 wigs

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Because, unless L’Oréal has been lying to me since birth, I’M WORTH IT. No pressure, but my sense of self-worth is literally resting on your shoulders, Gaga. Whelp, seeya there!

Bad at filling out bios seeks same.