What this week's episode of "Game of Thrones" lacked in controversial scenes, it made up for in insane twists that even readers of the book couldn't see coming. Because they haven't happened yet. OMGWTFBBQ.
Here's everything you missed on "Oathkeeper":
Kill Your Masters
Some people suggest you kill your darlings. In Meereen, where they only speak, I want to say, Meereenese, they instead write "Kill The Masters" on the wall, in English, in what might be blood. This is the one and only warning the slave-owners get before Daenerys' forces completely over-run the city.
Still, it's not all sunshine and an uncomfortable walk over broken slave-collars. Dany decides to get revenge on the masters for crucifying kids a few episodes back, by crucifying them. Barristan Selmy cautions that injustice can be dealt with, with mercy; but Dany has gone full on Zod standing in front of her dark banner at the top of Meereen.
Is she headed down a bad, bad, road? We don't want to cast judgment, but it is a road paved with slave-masters nailed to signposts, so there is that.
Love 'Em Or Lannister 'Em
Oh, those loveable Lannisters. Jaime may be getting better at fighting, but Bronn can still smack Jaime down with his own hand.
Tyrion isn't much better off, telling Jaime about his upcoming trial for the murder of Joffrey, "I know that one of my judges has wished me dead more times than I could count. And that judge is my father."
And Cersei is going slowly mad. I'll mention that this scene is pretty consistent with the books, but takes on a very different, more chilling context after last week's highly controversial rape scene.
Might Need To Start Calling Him Bigfinger
Who was behind the murder of Joffrey? Littlefinger, who admits as much to a disbelieving Sansa. "A man with no motive is a man no one suspects," Littlefinger tells her, ignoring that a man with no motive also has no motive.
Still, when she presses him as to why he would murder Joffrey, he admits it's to get what he wants. "And what do you want?" asks Sansa. "Everything," Littlefinger replies.
Since it turns out that he was in league with the Queen of Thorns to take down Joffrey — as is revealed in the very next scene — he might be in line to get just what he wants, after all.
Fans have been dying to know is Tommen's cat Ser Pounce would make an appearance, since in the books he's given to the new king by Margaery Tyrell. Here, he jumps on the bed during a midnight visit from his possible new spouse, making a power play to bond with him over Cersei.
Not to keep plugging book-to-show differences, but whereas Margaery came off like a playmate to the much-younger Tommen in the books, here it takes on a decidedly different bent. A sexy one. Grrrrowr, says Ser Pounce, if you know what he means.
Hasta La Brienne
Unable to leave King's Landing, Jaime decides to send Brienne after Sansa to protect her, and keep his promise to the departed Catelyn Stark.
On the way out, Jaime not only gives Brienne a goodbye present of a Valyrian sword — which she names Oathkeeper after Jaime, the nicest thing anyone has ever done on this show — but also some new Dark Knight armor and Podrick Payne.
Here's hoping Brienne gets learned in the ways of love with King's Landings most prolific Romeo.
With new recruits piling up at the wall, Jon Snow starts training them up… An act that alarms Acting Commander Thorne, and the evil Janos Slynt. They realize if Snow keeps this up he may be voted Lord Commander soon, so they send him North of the Wall to stop the mutineers at Craster's Keep. Which would be fine and dandy if not for the following:
Ain't Not Party Like A Craster's Party…
…Cause a Craster's party has Karl the Mutineer drinking wine out of the severed skull of former Commander Mormont while his men rape Craster's daughter/wives in the background.
This horror-show is interrupted by the birth of Craster's last son (it'll be hard for Craster to have more what with all the being dead), and Karl is informed that Craster used to sacrifice the sons to the White Walkers. So they drop the baby outside, and then two things happen that never happened in the book and are liable to make fans everywhere freak the f out.
Bran hears the baby, and finds that Jon Snow's Direwolf, Ghost, is being held captive nearby. So Bran, Hodor, Jojen and Meera stage a daring rescue which involves them getting conked on the head and captured by Karl's Dark Night's Watch.
With Jon and Good Night's Watch on the way, this could mean a startling reunion or it could mean horrible death for any one of these characters. We're in uncharted territory, friends.
And then there's that last scene. The White Walker we've seen before with the wrinkly skin and the skeleton horse takes Craster's last son far north. He deposits the crying baby on an altar made of ice. In the distance, we can glimpse thirteen shadowy figures. One approaches, touches a fingernail to the baby's face and its eyes turn White Walker blue.
We cut to the shadowy being's face, which is like a blue Darth Maul, dressed in black.
In the books, we have not even gotten close to this. We never knew what happened with Craster's kids, we never have seen anything approaching an origin of the White Walkers. What you just heard was an entire fandom, TV show and book fans both, screaming out: tell us more.
What did you think of this week's "Game of Thrones?"